Bringing Sexy Back with guest Jennifer Summers

[00:00:00] After over 25 years of marriage, we've learned that successful couples have great friendships, put each other first, and focus on light just as much as love. We believe marriage should be fun and easy.

[00:00:11] Our goal is to share our journey with the hopes of helping others build strong, happy relationships. Join us as we continue to create our lives beyond I do.

[00:00:28] Do you and your partner want to learn simple ways to grow closer?

[00:00:31] Do you and your partner want to grow happier together?

[00:00:35] Do you and your partner want to be a unified front?

[00:00:38] Do you and your partner want to divorce-proof your marriage?

[00:00:42] If you answer yes to these questions, you need to check out our book, A Locker Forever, 10 Keys to a Successful Marriage Beyond I Do.

[00:00:51] Each section focuses on a different aspect of marriage and briefly describes how we handled it in our relationship.

[00:00:57] At the end of the section, you're given an action step or key to complete with your partner.

[00:01:02] These keys are practical steps you can immediately implement in your relationship and help you or your partner be proactive and intentional about your relationship.

[00:01:12] You can purchase your copy on Amazon.com.

[00:01:15] And until next time, we will holler at y'all.

[00:01:22] Before we get into our episode, we want to share this disclaimer.

[00:01:25] We are not marriage counselors, nor are we mental health professionals.

[00:01:30] We simply want to share with you what has worked in our marriage.

[00:01:33] Now, on to our episode.

[00:01:48] We'd like to welcome you back to another episode of Beyond I Do podcast.

[00:01:53] We have a special, special guest with us today by the name of Jennifer Marie Summers.

[00:02:00] Yes.

[00:02:01] She comes.

[00:02:03] Yes.

[00:02:04] Yes, girl.

[00:02:04] All ready to find yourself.

[00:02:06] She has.

[00:02:07] I love it.

[00:02:08] She comes to us as a person who is a distributor of pure romance.

[00:02:16] She'll tell us about what that's about in a few.

[00:02:20] She comes to us working in space for women's health for 18 years.

[00:02:25] She's also currently in school for sex coaching.

[00:02:29] And upon graduating, she will open up her sex coaching practice for women and couples.

[00:02:38] So we welcome you to the show.

[00:02:41] Welcome.

[00:02:42] Yay.

[00:02:42] Thanks so much for having me here, y'all.

[00:02:44] It's so nice to see you again.

[00:02:46] Yes, we're excited.

[00:02:48] So we have our meet and greet, but we also got to meet you because we were on your podcast.

[00:02:55] Yeah.

[00:02:56] And we had a ball.

[00:02:58] We had such a good time.

[00:02:59] So we're glad to have you here on ours.

[00:03:03] Yes.

[00:03:03] Thank you.

[00:03:04] I love y'all's energy so much.

[00:03:06] So I'm really happy that we get to connect again.

[00:03:09] So if you would tell us a little bit about you and what it is that you do.

[00:03:14] I would love to.

[00:03:16] So first of all, I am a sexual health and wellness educator.

[00:03:21] I've been working on Pure Romance for the last 18 years.

[00:03:24] And we're a company that primarily focuses on women, but couples as well.

[00:03:28] We sell intimacy products.

[00:03:31] And our party experience, or at least mine is a sex ed meets standup.

[00:03:35] So you're going to learn about your bodies.

[00:03:38] You're going to learn all the things they don't teach you growing up in sex ed.

[00:03:42] And we have some really cool products that help to complement any issues or like improving self-love.

[00:03:50] In addition to that, I also have a podcast, which you know, my Sip with Summers podcast.

[00:03:55] I talk about sex, intimacy, and pleasure.

[00:03:58] And the clinical sexology is what I'm studying right now.

[00:04:01] So I'll be graduating in the spring as a certified sex coach and a clinical sexologist.

[00:04:07] So, you know, I just am looking to really help people normalize the conversation, improve their mindset, their body image, and really take out the shame and the stigma that a lot of us grow up in in regard to sex.

[00:04:23] Right.

[00:04:24] Right.

[00:04:24] That's fantastic.

[00:04:26] What led you down that particular path?

[00:04:29] Great question.

[00:04:30] I was raised Catholic light, so we didn't go to church, but we were Catholic, you know?

[00:04:37] And so there was a lot of like, or rather, there was no discussion about sex or self-pleasure or anything like that.

[00:04:45] I remember being 12 and Dr. Elders had just gotten fired as the attorney general under Clinton because she wanted to talk about masturbation in public schools as part of the high school curriculum.

[00:05:01] People were like, hell to the no.

[00:05:04] So I remember asking my parents, like, what is masturbation?

[00:05:08] And they were like, totally, you know, tight-lipped.

[00:05:12] They never told me.

[00:05:15] Two years later, we had our family life planning class, which rather than teaching about sexual health, it was much more about like, here's how you're going to plan your wedding.

[00:05:26] And wait until you're married to have sex or talk about having a baby.

[00:05:31] Right.

[00:05:32] And my best friend at the time bought this book called Sex for Dummies by Dr. Ruth, rest in peace, Dr. Ruth.

[00:05:38] And it was all about sexual health.

[00:05:41] And it was the first time I learned what a clitoris was.

[00:05:44] I was completely blown away because I didn't even know these things existed, you know?

[00:05:50] So that was really the spark that started everything.

[00:05:53] I became the friend that would be the go-to to talk about sex or get their sex questions answered.

[00:06:01] And when I was 23, I had a pure romance party.

[00:06:05] Didn't even know people did stuff like this, but I had a really fun time.

[00:06:09] I love the education.

[00:06:10] I thought the products were really cool and I was looking for an additional stream of income because I was working in healthcare and it was good money.

[00:06:18] But I live in the Washington, D.C. area.

[00:06:21] It's very expensive here.

[00:06:22] So I needed some extra money because I had just gone out on my own for the first time.

[00:06:28] So this seemed like a good way to make some money.

[00:06:30] And here I am 18 years later.

[00:06:33] Never thought I would be doing this that long, but it's good money and it's fun.

[00:06:38] That's okay.

[00:06:39] So for parents.

[00:06:41] Yes.

[00:06:42] As you mentioned, you asked your parents this question and of course they were scared.

[00:06:47] For us as parents, we've always been very open with our kids, but it's never gotten to those types of questions.

[00:06:58] Even now as adults, they don't come to us with those types of questions.

[00:07:03] So as parents, how do you like bridge that gap and how far do you go or get them to at least be comfortable asking those types of questions?

[00:07:18] I think it really starts when they're young.

[00:07:22] Age appropriate conversations are always going to be the best.

[00:07:25] So, you know, let's say if you're a seven year old, ask a question.

[00:07:28] I mean, you're not going to answer the way you would a 16 year old, you know, but I think having age appropriate answers are going to be really smart because when you are able to answer your children's questions, they're going to feel more comfortable continuing to open up to you.

[00:07:45] Versus let's say my parental situation where, you know, I learned at 12, like you don't ask your parents these kinds of questions.

[00:07:53] You go find books or, you know, find out on your own from a partner and not knocking that of course, but you know, that's not always the healthiest way to learn about sex.

[00:08:03] Like I feel like having a trusted source, whether it be a parent, a grandparent, aunt or uncle, somebody that will answer those questions honestly and be forthcoming.

[00:08:14] But again, you know, keeping it age appropriate, only answering what they ask.

[00:08:19] There's no need to elaborate on the answers.

[00:08:21] So with the example I gave, you know, what's masturbation?

[00:08:25] If I were a parent, I would say that's when you explore your body, but that's something you want to do in the privacy of your own bedroom.

[00:08:32] Right.

[00:08:33] Right.

[00:08:33] And I think also adding the consent part, like, you know, nobody else touches your body unless you say that it's okay.

[00:08:39] Right.

[00:08:40] I think that's a sufficient answer.

[00:08:42] Right.

[00:08:42] And that part, like, you know, there were, I guess, the safe, unsafe things that we would broach with them, but it just never got to that point.

[00:08:55] And there were some questions that they asked, but, and we gave age appropriate answers.

[00:09:01] But as, as we've gotten older and as I've gotten older as a woman, I've realized how much, like, I know my body.

[00:09:14] And I don't think that a lot of women have that type of knowledge of their body.

[00:09:22] Mm-hmm.

[00:09:24] And so, you know, as a parent, I want my daughter to feel empowered and to understand how her body works.

[00:09:32] But even now, like, she's an adult, it's just, it's an uncomfortable type thing.

[00:09:37] So I think that, like you said, having that person that they could go to for those types of questions is definitely invaluable.

[00:09:45] And, of course, I say that with my own daughter, but I probably could sit down with someone else's child and have those discussions.

[00:09:55] But there's just something about your own kid.

[00:09:57] Yeah.

[00:09:57] Sure.

[00:09:58] I think sometimes people think that if they explain it to their children, it's almost like giving them permission to go out and do it.

[00:10:06] Yeah.

[00:10:07] But I feel like when you don't have the discussion, that's more when it leads to them going out and searching on their own.

[00:10:15] Because they want to know, they're curious, they're children, like, you know, they want to know how the world works.

[00:10:21] Right.

[00:10:21] And it's one of those things where, like, you know, you try to keep them away from things.

[00:10:27] You don't tell them any information.

[00:10:29] But then you're surprised when your child is 15, 16 years old and pregnant.

[00:10:36] Yeah, exactly.

[00:10:37] Because, you know, well, you can't get mad because you didn't teach them anything.

[00:10:42] Right.

[00:10:42] You didn't tell them anything.

[00:10:43] You just, I guess they depend on the school to teach them.

[00:10:48] I don't know.

[00:10:49] Yeah.

[00:10:49] And the problem with that is the school systems don't provide comprehensive sexual health education.

[00:10:55] So most people walking around these days have a sixth grade level education about sexual health.

[00:11:01] And a lot of the curriculum is more about abstinence, which is proven not to work.

[00:11:07] Right.

[00:11:07] Right.

[00:11:08] And I think that's just like anything else.

[00:11:11] If you tell, if you tell a child not to do something, then it makes it more appealing.

[00:11:17] Yes, of course.

[00:11:19] Just say no drugs campaign.

[00:11:21] I was a D.A.R. graduate.

[00:11:28] We'll just leave it at that.

[00:11:31] I hear you.

[00:11:33] So you work with women and help women through issues when struggling with perimenopause and menopause.

[00:11:43] So what types of things do women have to kind of keep an eye out that changes in their body as they go through these stages?

[00:11:53] Sure.

[00:11:54] So with perimenopause, you tend to hear about hot flashes, change in body temperature.

[00:12:00] Also, vaginal dryness is a really big one where, you know, you become drier because you have lower estrogen.

[00:12:08] Oftentimes, body image issues will arise because the body starts to change.

[00:12:12] The breasts may get saggier.

[00:12:15] We, you know, get a little more wrinkly and flabby as we age, which is not a bad thing at all.

[00:12:21] It's just how our bodies work.

[00:12:22] But some women look at their bodies and imagine that 20-year-old body and then they feel insecure or less sexy.

[00:12:30] Those are some of the biggest issues that I hear from my clients.

[00:12:34] Also, a lower sex drive.

[00:12:36] And that is because of the estrogen levels dropping as well.

[00:12:40] When you have lower hormonal levels, you're going to find that your sex drive can drop.

[00:12:45] And oftentimes, some women believe that they hit a certain age and they're not meant to be sexual anymore.

[00:12:52] It's not true.

[00:12:53] There's just different tweaks and techniques that we may need to infuse into the relationship, whether you're by yourself or with a partner, that are going to help you find your new sexual self.

[00:13:04] Right.

[00:13:05] As we've listened to different experts come on and they talk about your mindset, and you just mentioned you think that, you know, you're not sexy anymore.

[00:13:17] So there again, it goes back to your mindset and how you see yourself as an adult.

[00:13:26] I wonder if some of it is like, you know, expectation, like, you know, when you become of age, you're expected to behave a certain way.

[00:13:36] And, you know, well, I'm over 50, so I shouldn't want sex like I did when I was 20.

[00:13:42] So I'm wondering if that's something that's going on, too.

[00:13:46] Yeah.

[00:13:47] I think there's definitely stereotypes and stigmas out there that make us think like, like you said, you know, if I'm in my 50s, oh, I'm not supposed to have sex anymore.

[00:13:56] And then when you add to that, having a lower desire, you know, and men have it, too.

[00:14:02] Men have andropause, like their testosterone drops, their androderm drops, like same thing, you know, or men over 40 sometimes will struggle with erectile difficulties.

[00:14:13] And sometimes they think, oh, you know, my penis doesn't work anymore.

[00:14:17] I guess I'm done having sex now.

[00:14:19] And, you know, there's things that can help with that.

[00:14:21] But I agree.

[00:14:22] It always starts with a mindset.

[00:14:24] If you think you can or you think you cannot, you are absolutely right.

[00:14:29] Right.

[00:14:30] Yes.

[00:14:30] Right.

[00:14:31] That's something that I'm learning to.

[00:14:33] I had to learn to like myself a little more.

[00:14:37] Yes.

[00:14:38] With the changes in my body and things like that as I've gotten older.

[00:14:42] Meanwhile, he's I'm excited to get gray hairs.

[00:14:48] Well, you can be excited, sir.

[00:14:50] Wait no more to come in.

[00:14:52] I don't have a head full of it.

[00:14:55] I have a few myself.

[00:14:57] Well, I had a few.

[00:14:59] And then I went to see my lovely stylist.

[00:15:04] Who took care of those for me.

[00:15:07] Always shout out to the stylist for helping us look and stay young.

[00:15:12] She tells me, she says, you want me to cover your crown?

[00:15:15] I certainly do.

[00:15:17] Yes.

[00:15:20] So you're in school to become a certified sex coach.

[00:15:23] What is the most surprising thing you've learned so far in your studies?

[00:15:28] You know, I would say how little I knew about women.

[00:15:33] So I just finished my second module in school.

[00:15:37] So I'm halfway done.

[00:15:37] And the last class I took for school was female classic body concerns in regard to sex.

[00:15:44] And when I had play on the lecture, y'all, I was like, oh, I got this.

[00:15:49] Like, this is going to be so easy.

[00:15:51] Like, I've been working with women for 18 years.

[00:15:54] Like, I know it all.

[00:15:54] I'm a woman, you know.

[00:15:56] And two minutes into the lecture, I'm like, I don't know shit about this.

[00:16:00] So it was very eye-opening to realize, like, you know, for someone like me, who I consider myself an expert in the field,

[00:16:09] to not know all these things, like how little does the common man or woman not know?

[00:16:15] Right.

[00:16:16] Yes.

[00:16:17] I'm happy to report.

[00:16:18] I finished the class.

[00:16:20] I learned a lot.

[00:16:21] I've already been able to share a lot of the information at my parties and events and with my clients and my VIP group.

[00:16:26] So, you know, the information has sunk in, but it's incredible how much education there is out there that we just don't know about.

[00:16:35] Right.

[00:16:36] And that's, I mean, I really, we've talked about how a lot of our early sex education comes from porn.

[00:16:46] Because no one's telling us anything, and so you watch porn, and your brain doesn't understand at that young age that this is still acting.

[00:16:57] And so some of the things that take place and you emulate, it's not necessarily always the best way to get the best outcome, so to speak.

[00:17:10] Like, and so as we've gotten older, you know, and like I said, being comfortable with getting to know my body and understand how my body works,

[00:17:21] I'm amazed at what before was like.

[00:17:27] And when I really thought, okay, this is wonderful.

[00:17:30] This is really good versus understanding how my body is and how my body works.

[00:17:35] And now it's like, no, this is wonderful.

[00:17:38] I don't know what that was.

[00:17:41] Yes.

[00:17:42] A lot of people use porn to learn how to have sex, but, you know, it's kind of like watching wrestling.

[00:17:46] Like, it's not real.

[00:17:48] Right.

[00:17:49] Right.

[00:17:50] So with pure romance, if you could tell us a little bit about that and just tell us a little bit about what happens during those parties.

[00:17:59] You say you're mixing the entertainment with education.

[00:18:03] So, yes, you know, and now I cannot, we're all independent consultants, so I cannot speak for how other people run their events.

[00:18:10] But I really pride myself on providing a classy and a tasteful presentation.

[00:18:16] So there's no raunchiness.

[00:18:18] We're not asking you questions about your sex life.

[00:18:21] You know, obviously you're welcome to share, but, you know, I don't really care what your favorite position is.

[00:18:25] It has no bearing on my life.

[00:18:26] So I like to start with the bath and the beauty products because I feel like sexy starts in the morning.

[00:18:34] It starts when you're getting ready for your day.

[00:18:36] And when you treat yourself to some self-care with luxury, like bath line, skin loving ingredients, you're going to feel good.

[00:18:43] Your shoulders are going to be back.

[00:18:45] Your chest is out.

[00:18:46] You feel more confident in your skin, which that translates to feeling sexier, enticing, inspiring, you know, creating desire with a partner.

[00:18:56] So I like to start with the smell good and the feel good.

[00:18:59] Also for people who have never been to a party, sometimes they might feel a little intimidated.

[00:19:03] So, you know, not starting off just waving dildos at their faces is usually a good move.

[00:19:10] Right.

[00:19:11] Right.

[00:19:11] So after the self-care, then I like to move into the bedroom.

[00:19:15] So we talk about lingerie.

[00:19:17] We talk about some foreplay, some tasty enhancements that spiced it up.

[00:19:22] And I provide little fun foreplay tips and tricks with a lot of these products.

[00:19:26] So the ladies can take that education home and try it out.

[00:19:31] After that, we talk about our arousal creams and then we move into the toys.

[00:19:36] And that is the most fun part because everybody's just having such a good time and toys are going everywhere and just a load of fun.

[00:19:44] Right.

[00:19:45] I would imagine that by that time, like the pressure has eased.

[00:19:50] Yeah.

[00:19:50] I'm a giggler when I'm uncomfortable.

[00:19:52] So I probably would have stopped giggling by that point.

[00:19:57] Yes.

[00:19:58] A lot of times they like the party virgins are like, okay, like we're good.

[00:20:03] Like where are the vibrators now?

[00:20:04] Like they're ready for it.

[00:20:07] Let's get to the good stuff.

[00:20:09] Yeah.

[00:20:10] Yeah.

[00:20:11] Yeah.

[00:20:13] So as a future sex coach, what are some key topics you believe are essential for women and couples to understand about their sexual health and relationships?

[00:20:24] I love it.

[00:20:26] I think one big one is that mismatched desire is really common.

[00:20:32] So 60% of women actually want it more than their male bodied partner.

[00:20:39] And a lot of people think, you know, if, or, you know, regardless of gender, like you want it more than your partner.

[00:20:45] A lot of people feel like that's an issue.

[00:20:47] Low libido is something really common that comes up.

[00:20:51] And a fun fact I share at my parties and events that always really surprises people is that 70% of women on medications can have an inability to orgasm.

[00:21:02] And those medications include anti-anxiety, anti-depression, blood pressure medication, Nexium, so like any type of stomach stuff, allergy medication, birth control, like so many different things.

[00:21:17] So there's these women out there that feel like they're broken, you know, like mentally they're feeling good now, but like they're, they just don't want to have sex anymore, you know, and they still live their partner, but they're not in the mood.

[00:21:27] And I think knowing that often gives women permission to forgive themselves and to move forward.

[00:21:37] Right, right.

[00:21:38] And knowing your body helps.

[00:21:41] There was an incident several years ago and I started taking an antidepressant.

[00:21:48] Like within a week, I was like, this is not working.

[00:21:52] And so I went back to the doctor and I said, look, I feel better until, and then it makes me feel worse.

[00:22:00] So we've got to get something different, but because I, I know my, my body and understand how it works.

[00:22:06] I was like, this is not, this is making the depression more depressed.

[00:22:13] Well, Margaret, I think it's great.

[00:22:14] You advocate for yourself in that way.

[00:22:16] I just don't see a lot of women doing that.

[00:22:20] Right.

[00:22:20] Some people are not comfortable going to their doctor to talk about sex at all.

[00:22:25] So, you know, to, to go to your doctor and say, Hey, I have no sex drive now.

[00:22:30] Like some people are just not going to do that.

[00:22:32] You know?

[00:22:34] I have to say as a man, I have experienced the, you know, softness issue before.

[00:22:42] And the first time I was like, Oh, what's going on?

[00:22:47] And so she was like, well, talk to your doctor about it.

[00:22:51] And that appointment all the way there.

[00:22:54] I'm like, how am I going to tell this man?

[00:22:57] How am I going to talk to him?

[00:22:59] He's a man, you know, and we're finally broke the ice.

[00:23:02] He was like, Oh yeah, we have these problems all the time.

[00:23:05] Man, I give you something.

[00:23:06] You know, I feel good about it, but I understand people being nervous about talking to their physician about sexual issues, you know?

[00:23:16] You know, we all want to feel like we're normal.

[00:23:18] Right.

[00:23:19] And, you know, not all men are going to go to their guy friends and be like, Hey, like, are you having issues with your erection?

[00:23:25] Like, you know, it's just not a conversation men are going to have.

[00:23:29] Women may possibly have that conversation where they're experiencing low desire, but some may not.

[00:23:35] Right.

[00:23:36] Right.

[00:23:36] Right.

[00:23:36] And like I said, I really don't just, and you said, you know, you learn so much.

[00:23:42] I really don't think just hearing some of the things that, that women say like that's, it works a whole lot better than that.

[00:23:51] It's like, there's so much more.

[00:23:54] I think a lot of women are missing out on a lot because they don't understand how their body works.

[00:24:00] And if you learn your body and then explain things and have a partner that's going to be patient and learn with you.

[00:24:08] Yeah.

[00:24:09] Like that's when you get the best results.

[00:24:12] But you have to understand that like there's more to it than just what you learned watching the porn and whatnot.

[00:24:21] So.

[00:24:21] I remember.

[00:24:22] True.

[00:24:23] I remember in my late twenties, early thirties, you know, almost beating myself up because I couldn't last like the guy in the porn video.

[00:24:35] And it was until I watched like an interview porn star and they were talking about, oh man, y'all think these guys be going long?

[00:24:44] She said some of them one, two minutes and they're done.

[00:24:46] They just have editing.

[00:24:49] So I was like, okay, well that makes sense.

[00:24:53] Meanwhile, in these late twenties, early thirties, we had a house full of kids.

[00:24:57] And I was fired.

[00:24:58] And my philosophy was I get mine, you get yours, we get some sleep.

[00:25:03] I was good with it.

[00:25:05] Good five minutes.

[00:25:06] I'm good.

[00:25:08] Anything past that, I might doze off, sir.

[00:25:10] Sorry.

[00:25:13] You know, you always see those, uh, those memes and stuff on social media, you know, or somebody will post something and they'll be like, you know, a minute man or girl, they ain't going to last for five minutes.

[00:25:27] That's just a waste of my time and all this stuff.

[00:25:29] And I'm like, so what is it?

[00:25:32] But that's when I learned that you have to trust and learn your part by talking to them and communicating with them.

[00:25:42] Say, hey, what actually do you like?

[00:25:45] Mm-hmm.

[00:25:46] Absolutely.

[00:25:48] It's a whole lot better.

[00:25:50] So for, for couples who do struggle with, with being able to be open and communicate that way, what are some suggestions to help them become more comfortable with having those conversations?

[00:26:03] Sure.

[00:26:04] You know, one technique I really like that I've shared with my clients before is the red, yellow, green light exercise.

[00:26:09] So both you get a piece of paper and you write red, yellow, green at the top, and then you're going to list different sexual things.

[00:26:16] So, you know, the green is going to be, you're like a hell yes.

[00:26:21] The yellow is, uh, like maybe I might be interested, maybe not right now, but like down the line, a red is the hard no.

[00:26:29] And then your partner does the same thing.

[00:26:38] Mm-hmm.

[00:26:40] You know, I mean, it doesn't have to be like extreme hardcore, like BDSM, but you know, different sexual situations.

[00:26:47] This allows you to kind of dip your toe in the water, you know?

[00:26:52] And then when you and your partner sit down together and you review the list, anything that's red, that's off the table.

[00:26:59] Right.

[00:27:00] Right.

[00:27:00] Maybe in 10 years, if you know, you put anal sex is red and you maybe want to try it in 10 years, then you can bring it up.

[00:27:06] But for right now, no, not happening.

[00:27:09] You know, the green stuff, I encourage you go try those things like tonight.

[00:27:15] Mm-hmm.

[00:27:15] The yellow, that can be something that can be open for discussion down the line.

[00:27:20] But I feel like when we write this down and we compare it, sure, I mean, you get a little vulnerable there, but it really allows you to see where you match up on different sensual or sexual practices, which can help with the communication.

[00:27:34] Because maybe both of you put down anal sex as a green and you're like, whoa, like, I always wanted to try that.

[00:27:43] I didn't know you'd be into that too.

[00:27:44] Like, I was too afraid to mention it.

[00:27:46] That's true.

[00:27:49] So in those, okay, before we get to that level of conversation, what are some things that couples can do to increase that intimacy and that comfort so that we can get to that red light?

[00:28:03] Like, yellow light, green light situation?

[00:28:07] Sure.

[00:28:08] If you are struggling with low desire and having sex feels uncomfortable, it feels like a chore, you know, you're like anxious about talking about it.

[00:28:17] I would start off by taking sex off the table completely and focus on therapeutic massage.

[00:28:23] So, you know, taking turns maybe of a massage night every Wednesday and you switch off weekly.

[00:28:30] Saying that we're not going to have sex reduces pressure because sometimes when our partner touches us, we may interpret that touch to mean they want to have sex.

[00:28:40] They may be just touching us because they're trying to be affectionate.

[00:28:43] And if we think they want to have sex and we don't, we often will shut down.

[00:28:48] So introducing massage and just touching and feeling good and, you know, focusing on non-genital areas.

[00:28:55] So the arms, the legs, the back, for example, this allows you to feel good and feel embodied, have that connection with your partner.

[00:29:04] And you know what, if it does lead to sex and you all decide you want to, that's fine.

[00:29:08] But I feel like knowing that the, you know, we're not going to have sex tonight pressure is removed.

[00:29:13] It does help couples to often open up when they're experiencing low desire.

[00:29:19] Right.

[00:29:20] That's my philosophy on date nights.

[00:29:24] I think that it creates the pressure to do something big and romantic and it has to be this and it has to be that.

[00:29:32] And so my thing is, you know, day dates or just spend time together and don't call it anything because it takes away that pressure to where you feel like it has to be this level of romance or what have you.

[00:29:45] Yeah.

[00:29:45] Just have fun and let things naturally happen.

[00:29:48] It's kind of like, oh, it's our anniversary.

[00:29:50] Like I'm going to have to put out tonight kind of thing.

[00:29:52] Like, you know, we, we want to change that dialogue and get people excited.

[00:29:57] Right.

[00:29:58] Want to, to spend time and touch and enjoy sensuality.

[00:30:03] But if you're not there yet, I think, like I said, a therapeutic massage or even just holding hands or scheduling a date where you go do something outside or go to the movies, something that you enjoy to help build that connection.

[00:30:16] Right.

[00:30:17] Right.

[00:30:18] That's awesome.

[00:30:19] Now you, uh, says yourself, you often use humor as a icebreaker for your parties.

[00:30:27] Um, so one thing I'd like to know is how does that humor, um, affect the mood and the mood?

[00:30:35] Does it break the ice faster or is it slow process or how do you do it?

[00:30:42] I feel like it definitely helps to break the ice.

[00:30:45] I've learned that when people like you, they trust you.

[00:30:49] Right.

[00:30:49] And if I can make somebody laugh, it releases those feel good endorphins and that tension and that nervousness and that anxiousness that some people feel when they come to these parties is released because they're like, oh, okay.

[00:31:04] Like I'm having fun.

[00:31:05] And like, this isn't so bad kind of thing.

[00:31:07] Um, I make a lot of jokes and one-liners and I really have the best job because I can make funny jokes that other people can't make in their careers.

[00:31:16] Like they probably get a sexual harassment charge from it, you know?

[00:31:20] But I just, I love, I've always loved to make people laugh.

[00:31:24] I feel like it lowers people's defenses.

[00:31:27] And like, we all want to laugh.

[00:31:29] Like it feels good, you know?

[00:31:31] Right.

[00:31:31] It's funny that you say that.

[00:31:33] We know that I'm a school teacher.

[00:31:35] And so, um, we send texts throughout the day, but we don't send those types of texts when I'm at work because it's just not a line that needs to be blurred across.

[00:31:46] Yeah.

[00:31:48] Yeah.

[00:31:48] Don't end up on the news.

[00:31:50] Right.

[00:31:50] So that type of, um, knowing the boundaries, but still finding ways to connect.

[00:31:57] Um, I like that.

[00:31:59] So, um, as we get ready to wrap up, if there's a couple and they're, they're struggling with getting that spark back and being intimate and being open,

[00:32:14] what's one thing that they can try tonight that can help them ease into it?

[00:32:21] I would say the first step would be to schedule a date night.

[00:32:26] So sit down together with your calendar, you know, treat your business or rather treat your relationship like it's a business or your job, you know?

[00:32:34] And I feel like we make time for things that are important to us and important things go on the calendar.

[00:32:41] So while it may feel a little weird to put in your calendar, a date night or a date day, I think having something look to look forward to can be really exciting and it can infuse energy back into the relationship.

[00:32:55] Okay.

[00:32:56] I also think that writing little sexy notes to each other.

[00:33:00] I like your butt, you know, meet me in the bedroom at nine o'clock, like anything like that, you know, you're, you look pretty today.

[00:33:07] Like you smell good, like whatever little fun notes that your partner can find.

[00:33:12] That's going to boost their confidence and make them feel good.

[00:33:16] And the last suggestion I would have is get back to the beginning.

[00:33:21] So that honeymoon period lasts as little as six months.

[00:33:25] It can last up to five years, but go back to the beginning.

[00:33:30] So, you know, maybe you have a song together, maybe, you know, Joe's diner down the street is where you had your first date.

[00:33:37] Like go back to those places and those sights and smells and sounds if you're able to, to re-inject that excitement and remember the beginning when there was the butterflies and you were so excited to just see each other and you couldn't wait to be together.

[00:33:53] I think when we remember those times and we bring them back, it often will help interject excitement.

[00:34:01] That's fantastic.

[00:34:02] I asked a question.

[00:34:04] I know you said with the pure romance parties tend to be women.

[00:34:09] Have you ever had any men attending any of the parties or are there men acceptable to the party?

[00:34:20] Yeah.

[00:34:21] Love this question.

[00:34:22] So when I started my business, it was with passion parties, which has since gone out of business.

[00:34:27] And we did allow men at the parties.

[00:34:29] So I would do like go-ed parties, but I was also 23 years old.

[00:34:34] I didn't know what to do with these guys and the guys were not there for the education.

[00:34:37] So it was, they weren't the best, you know, pure romance.

[00:34:44] About a year ago, they dropped the no men policy at parties.

[00:34:47] And so I have done some couples parties since then.

[00:34:51] And I love it because the men get the education as well.

[00:34:55] They definitely like tend to make jokes, but I know it's because they're a little uncomfortable when they're just trying to like puff their chest out, you know?

[00:35:04] But every time after the party, the couples will come into the private consultation room because we do everything privately for the shopping just due to the nature of the products.

[00:35:13] And they always say like, oh my gosh, I learned so much.

[00:35:16] Like I can't wait to go home and give my partner more pleasure now.

[00:35:20] So I really feel like if the guy wants to be there, it's a beautiful experience.

[00:35:27] If it's like, oh, I'm dragging Mike to the party tonight, usually then they tend to be a little immature, uncomfortable, and they're not going to be able to let that information sink in.

[00:35:39] Right.

[00:35:39] So yes, the men are welcome as long as they want to be there.

[00:35:43] Right.

[00:35:44] That's fantastic.

[00:35:46] And so for our listeners, if they want to learn more about you and what you do in pure romance, where can they find you?

[00:35:54] Yeah, thanks.

[00:35:55] So you can find me at selfmade diva.com.

[00:35:59] It has all my social links, my podcast, my catalog, all the good stuff.

[00:36:05] And then I'm on TikTok and Instagram at the self made diva, which is also at selfmade diva.com.

[00:36:11] Or you follow me on Facebook, Jennifer Marie Summers.

[00:36:15] Very good.

[00:36:15] Well, thank you so much.

[00:36:17] We have enjoyed this.

[00:36:19] We learned some and hopefully listeners are going to go and learn more.

[00:36:26] I might take a look at the catalog a little bit, just a little bit.

[00:36:33] Hey, that could be fun.

[00:36:34] Like, you know, when you're tucked in bed before you fall asleep, like flip through it together.

[00:36:38] See what you like and see what your partner likes.

[00:36:40] And that's a good idea.

[00:36:42] Do a little red, green, yellow light exercise with the catalog.

[00:36:45] That's a good idea.

[00:36:47] That's a good idea.

[00:36:48] So again, we thank you so much for joining us.

[00:36:52] It has been our pleasure.

[00:36:55] We can't say enough how excited we were to record with you again.

[00:37:02] We follow her on social media.

[00:37:05] And let me tell you, we are entertained.

[00:37:07] So we get education and entertainment.

[00:37:11] Yes.

[00:37:12] And she also threw us little tidbits and great nuggets of wisdom.

[00:37:17] So thank you.

[00:37:19] All the things.

[00:37:20] Yes.

[00:37:20] Thank you so much for having me.

[00:37:22] My face hurts every time I talk to you because I just smile so hard.

[00:37:26] Agree.

[00:37:35] Thanks for joining us on this episode of the Beyond I Do podcast.

[00:37:39] Please make sure to like this episode and also subscribe to our podcast.

[00:37:45] You can also find us on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at the Beyond I Do podcast.

[00:37:51] And until next time, we will holler at y'all.

[00:37:56] Bye.

[00:37:57] Bye.