Lessons in Work, Love, and Life - Part 2

[00:00:03] After over 25 years of marriage, we've learned that successful couples have great friendships. Put each other first and focus on life just as much as love. We believe marriage should be fun and easy.

[00:00:15] Our goal is to share our journey with the hopes of helping others build strong, happy relationships. Join us as we continue to create our lives beyond I do. Now on with the show. Now we continue with part 2 from our previous episode.

[00:00:54] So how do you navigate that? You know, you went from self-employed, you filled a spritum, you know, I've had a job that's in here and there, but at the same time it's like now I have a job that I like.

[00:01:05] I do have another job as well, but it's like it's a little serving job that's not going to suffice for my bills at this time. Well, let me ask you this. You're 26, right? What do you see yourself doing at 30?

[00:01:20] What do you want to do at 30? What do you see yourself? Ideally, I'm going to say either this music takes off somewhere or have a business of my own. Who and what? In that business, I would like to either do a bar on all the restaurant.

[00:01:39] I started bartending in the last year. So where are we shaking our head? No, oh my god. Wait, what's that? Restaurant is a number one business to close. Okay. Well, let's start with the bar then. Is that baby steps? Okay. There we go. I like you.

[00:01:51] Well, um, oh, I'm art. Are you asking my professional advice? I want to hear everything you have to say and then I'll give you my personal and personal. It's fine because I did start to want to go and to win into the bar so that

[00:02:04] when I know restaurants are one of the hardest businesses in the maintain. I do. I have done my research in these last years. Why've been struggling? So, you know, once I do make that money and make that jump, I don't want to make the wrong business move.

[00:02:16] So of course, I've done every search on restaurants bars and everything in between. But is a bar a feasible first business attempt? Because my goal is whenever whatever business I open,

[00:02:27] I don't want my workers to ever have to feel like I felt to where you need to have two, three thousand jobs to maintain yourself. You know, at the end of the day if it's something sort of a base, your tips are going to depend on your attitude.

[00:02:39] But we can do a bit more than two, 13, you know. Well, let me put it to you this way, Baves. I definitely believe in multiple streams of income. So regardless of what you do, make sure that you have multiple streams of income.

[00:02:53] Like, oh, I set up my life is I always have my show of thing. Like, I know I'm getting this check every two weeks and then whatever it helps. And, you know, I do that now. I would like to say to you, I love entrepreneurs.

[00:03:07] You know, that is my heart. But remember if you're going to be a business owner, you need to be a business owner. You can't be half pregnant, right? So you go and do it. You got to do it.

[00:03:18] Meaning that, you know, let's go back to the your example of Uber. Right? If I were doing Uber, we'll get a LLC. I would, you know, what you did do in a driving and all like that. That's great. I love the fact that you got your own clients.

[00:03:33] I would have probably tried to capitalize on that. Maybe get my own little website, have people booked me like really try to get out there and have my own. I got our service. You know what I mean?

[00:03:44] Then if you have your own business, the advantage of that aside from the fact that you can itemize a right of all your stuff and oh, yeah, by the way, the corporate tax rate is lower. You can lease a car and your business child free game.

[00:04:00] Okay, so that's just another idea. So there's that if I were going to go with the bar thing, I would because here's the thing, right? Let's use an example that everybody knows. If I'm going to become a beautician or if I'm going to cut here,

[00:04:18] I'm not going to owe the best of one day open up a shop, put out a flag in the front and say I'm doing here anybody coming. Who the hell are you? Nobody knows you. Right, right. It's the same thing with any business.

[00:04:29] So you want to start your way there and increments. And that's how you're going to walk there. If I were you, I would start as maybe being like a party bartender or something like that. You know, I mean, your parents have a little backyard thing.

[00:04:45] Have your cute little sign, which cash apps, so we can take tip you do your mixologist, do your drink of the event that kind of stuff. Bill, you're clientele and then be a bartender unless you just want to go work at Fridays. But that's not entrepreneur, right?

[00:05:00] We think in entrepreneur bartender, then you can go and have a bar or stuff like that because then people know you, you've got to build up your client hell before you actually put in your money on it.

[00:05:13] I spoke to somebody about doing like a bartending like that's cocktails type of deal where I like make the batch cocktail for them. And then maybe even as far as getting around the laws and the galleries, I don't open the bottle.

[00:05:27] I just send it with maybe like a little bow on top and a box drop it off to them whatever, you know, so do like a batch cocktails for reporting stuff. Do you think that would be a good way to kind of get your foot in the door?

[00:05:38] Who things can be true, right? You can do that. You can bartend. I still bartend as well. I've been bartending for almost like a year without it. Yeah. Right, you can do gigs and bartend that people's parties like all of it. Do all of it.

[00:05:56] And then you know, but I would do all of it. But also that would because I'm that would be because I'm chasing dollars at the end of the day, you really want to research. And this is where it goes back to using your mind.

[00:06:10] You don't want to internet research see what those killer bartenders are doing. What do you like? What are what areas are they in? What kind of money are they making like what was that show that the girl in DC,

[00:06:22] one of black girl in DC and they were like full blown cooking is bartenders outside. And you know, that's not really my thing, but I like the show was on Netflix. There was a bartending show. Check it out.

[00:06:34] I mean, you might get to the point where you're on one of those shows. That's how people get notoriety. And you know, it is it is this bartender. You know, I think in this game in terms of a restaurant, I would not do a restaurant.

[00:06:48] But if you want to go right ahead, I will start as a food truck. Those are the thing is less overhead. Yeah. Yeah. I would start catering. I would do a food truck. And then get you a restaurant because that is less overhead.

[00:07:02] Less money you got to come out with over the top because what you don't want to do is be paying for empty walls. Right. True. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. You want people to be like, Oh, I can't wait to day open in this new location. Like perfect example.

[00:07:18] I don't know if you are watching that show welcome to Sweetie Pies. I'm going to send Lewis, Miss Robbie and them. Watch the car. Even though Tim was doing way too much. And now he's doing a lot. Way too much. I love that.

[00:07:33] I got a lot of time to think about what you did. He was doing way too much. But one thing though, people was waiting for Sweetie Pies to open. Right. Right. Right. That's what you want to do.

[00:07:46] Like I went to St. Louis stood online for 90 damn minutes to get a piece of Miss Robbie Fried Chicken. Yeah. What's it worth it? What's it worth it? The food was good. However common, as a business person, just pure as a business person,

[00:08:05] I love to see black people doing good. But not understand why the hell you'll have a line out the door. And when I get up there, you run in at a stuff. You had time to fry more chicken. You had time to run to grow. Gross.

[00:08:22] So while we're on the subject of food and because my inner fat child runs thing, that's when Gladys Knight had her restaurant in Atlanta. Sign. Yes. Tell you how bad I was. Because we ate their lunch time. It's a good man. Man,

[00:08:45] we talked about when we were going to go back and get in. It was like within a couple of months is when it closed. Well, without their Gladys Knight son, the end of the day, I was ready to drive the apartment. Right. I just needed a good show.

[00:09:03] Because the food was wonderful. Well, if you had, because you didn't bring me with you. Of course not. So I'm going to put you wanted a spot in the hood in Atlanta, called the Busy B Cafe. I don't know if you've ever been there,

[00:09:16] but I watch the food network for places to eat. Okay. And I'm like, I don't know if I'm ever going to go there, but if I ever do like this is place in South Carolina, I found on the food network.

[00:09:27] They make this 12 layer coconut cake, it'll bless you. You know what? See, it will bless you because I've had it twice. That's why I'm in the end of that. Not that it's not. I hadn't had no activity on my wife. I was just raised. So in our interview,

[00:09:45] we talked about you being divorced before. And during your entrepreneurship, we know you face challenges during that time. So what was the transition period like going through the divorce and then still being an entrepreneur, still building a career, still doing all these things

[00:10:07] and to where you are now. How was that? Oh, I love that question. That's a really great question. So I will say this to anybody who is listening. Entrepreneurship is relative and I'll explain why I'm saying that in a second. Okay. And that's number one. And number two,

[00:10:27] I am a firm believer that if you really want to do something, you will do it. And so I really wanted to be entrepreneur. I really wanted to call my own shots. I really wanted to be out there. So I made it work. Okay.

[00:10:40] And they will come up time in your life as entrepreneur, even as an employee. You're like, do you really want to do this? Right? So to answer your question about when I got a divorce. When I got a divorce, I was a consultant,

[00:10:56] meaning that I worked for myself, have my own LLC, but I was a contractor under another beneath large contract. Right? So even though I was an entrepreneur, right? I had somewhat of security because I was on a long contract.

[00:11:17] And I was very grateful to be on that contract for three years. Wow. So even though I was an entrepreneur, I had my guaranteed money. So I'm not going to go in there and cost nobody out. But three years. Right? Right. Right. And so proud of you.

[00:11:38] How long did you get that? Thank you. I'm so proud of you. How hard was it for you to not cost anybody out on a scale? You know what? I am very professional. And I have learned over time to hone my sophisticated savage.

[00:11:54] We can talk about that at a different time. But I am wonderful at telling people to get bent as a corporate way. As per our previous email, there we go. You learn how to cook. I eat what I said was, I was no more.

[00:12:11] Like I will just tell people, so the reason we're having this meeting is because I told you X, Y and Z, you didn't want to do that. So we're having a meeting. I literally have this meeting. And then look them right upside to head. There we go.

[00:12:24] I literally have this namesake, the wonderful professional cast out. You got to stand in your own shoes. Oh, yes. Here's the other thing. Here's the other thing. It took me some time and some... Uh... These folks need you to be here to be able to do that. Right?

[00:12:45] You can't just be new to the farm and be pissing everybody off. All right. There's that. I paid my dues. And people know what I bring to the table. And at the same time, I'm always very professional. But we ain't going to talk crazy, right?

[00:12:59] Because if you go talk crazy, I'm going to talk crazy. This is going to be us talking crazy. I mean, energy. I met. So I remember I started at a new contract. This is post that contract that we were talking about. And I had a woman. Uh...

[00:13:16] She actually linked me on teams. She was really rude to me and a group of animating. I'm like, what the hell? We just met. Like, what does this energy about? And she goes, um... Well, you know, if you're new here, you know, you came off very rude.

[00:13:30] And I said, I said, you did too. I look forward to working with you. Oh. Maybe our next interactions will be a little different. Hey. No, that's not the fault. Good. Ha ha. Yeah. Ha ha. Ha ha. You did too, dear. Man.

[00:13:54] And that's the part they don't be expecting that. I like that. That's that. They don't expect that. They want us to go crazy. Really want that. Like when you don't want it. And you're crazy. They try to push your buttons. Oh, yeah.

[00:14:08] Just a little bit cry after you hear the word. They ask for. Mm-hmm. And that's what we're talking about. So answer your question. While, you know, I was going through those transitions. I had to make sure that my money was together.

[00:14:23] And you know, I always felt like from the very beginning from when I decided that, you know what we're going to go get divorced or whatever. I didn't want my kids lives to be impacted. And I understood that, you know, a financial impact.

[00:14:36] It is not their fault that I decided I wanted to get it before. So I can't be like, Oh, you can't go to dance lessons. My son can't play AAU now. I was about to sell ass when he was playing AAU because that jump was expensive. But, but.

[00:14:48] But. Oh, no. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Then. I'm telling you, that is the baby's hustle. Oh, my. Yeah, you're a baby to play. You're a real mama. I got back you for a lot of. And then go to the game. Yeah, get it. We're here.

[00:15:11] We're here. We're here. We're here. Oh, no. I'm a deal. You got to get a hotel. That's what you got to pay to get into them game. What ever. That's what it makes. It's a strange for change. Look a little less strange. That's a deal.

[00:15:27] And then when something to say, well, you got to game at one o'clock. Then we got another game at seven. What the hell? I'm not going to do between. I had to check out in a hotel. What you want me to do? He won't be.

[00:15:38] I got to pay to be in here. Let the other one step in real quick. They like, uh, the fees is exorbed in. Oh, my God. I just tried to tell you. Oh, I'm not going to play with them all. Right? They follow me. Believe.

[00:15:54] Hey, what do you know? You're a handle. You were at the old. All hundred. It's all cool. It's the. I get this in the park. What's wrong? You want to go? We can go every day like you got pregnant. Yeah. All right. Just keep that. Get back. Okay.

[00:16:09] That makes those are things that you know, you. I never thought about the fact that like you say you didn't want your kids to be affected any more than then they would be with a situation. So it's one thing. Of course my whole life is going to change.

[00:16:27] But now you tell them, I can't even go play ball anymore. I can't do this. So yeah, that makes sense. I mean, my petty asset already going around the house and taking all the pitches of him down. So. Oh, my goodness, like, face. Wow. We got a pitches.

[00:16:49] We just going to put up other pitches. Yeah. This one of them retired. I'm weird. What have you got? Oh, you got those in real quick. You're okay. It's no. They don't appear. You mean, you do. They know. What? You know what? That's good though.

[00:17:12] I want to come into for that. I don't think a lot of divorce appearance take that into effect. So I want to, you know, come in to for that because I don't think a lot of them keep a thing.

[00:17:22] Well, you know, unfortunately, I am a child of divorce parents and so I had a template and I felt like my parents acted like Jack S is about a lot of things and I didn't want to do that. I'm just keeping it above.

[00:17:36] Like my parents will like damn Tom and Jerry, you couldn't even have them in the same room. Oh, my. Tom and Jerry were all I mean. I hate my parents. When my mom said we're leaving, baby, I started packing. I don't know where I know it was going.

[00:17:54] I didn't know what they was going. But I knew whatever they was and whenever we was, whatever it was, I was ready. I was ready. I was, it was horrible. It was horrible.

[00:18:06] It got to the, when my parents finally divorced and they reckoned south before my mom passed. But you know, I was in church with my dad one day and they called for any birthdays or anniversaries. They call for birthdays. People stand up saying happy birthday.

[00:18:23] Then they had a little anniversary song as for anniversaries. People stand up. My dad looked at me and he said the anniversary of my divorce pass. And they were like, I should think they'll recognize that. Start. Yeah. Yeah. Sit down somewhere. He said what makes me happy.

[00:18:39] Sit down somewhere. They had a tumultuous relationship. So I was so glad to be leaving. I didn't care. Me and her could live in a box of me. I didn't care. I just wanted to be away from each other. That's how I felt as well.

[00:18:55] I was just like, I definitely remember being younger than second grade like coaching them. Wow. Look, I asked my mom once and this was after they split up. I was probably about 17 or 18 and me and her going back and forth about something to

[00:19:11] do for her and this and I looked at her and I said, well, what did you do before I was born? Like you weren't a dog. How did you get to that point? Because we had a whole generation of adults that emotional relied on our children and the

[00:19:29] shit is weird. Right. We don't talk about that. The card to me when I started with therapy, my therapist said something about her intifocation of a child and I wasn't. I was, you know, my needs were met and she said if you had a rough day at school,

[00:19:46] who did you tell Jesus? Look, my teddy bear's bar. No, because I grew up as an only child and so the more I talked to her and the more I started looking at stuff, I was like, you know what? I really was.

[00:20:04] I can recall my mom telling me my dad's mom passed away. My grandmother now and she and my mom were, she was closer to my, my mom and her were closer than my mom and her mom. Oh, okay. My grandmother took her last breath.

[00:20:22] My mom said, you've got to be strong for us. Man. Well, what about me? But that was there thinking I'm like, that was how I grew up. That was how I grew up. That was very chaotic situation at home and when something happened, I was her sounding board.

[00:20:44] I was her emotional support and I feel I wasn't. It just seems like I'll have like a lot of the reverse. We did. We did. And then it doesn't help that black women are always told to just be strong. Strong and be that. Take it.

[00:20:59] You know, I want to be strong. Be strong and get off. Like, like, right? No. I don't think we can do that. That's what you know what. I think of it is because I like to think of it in totality. Mm. Hard enough getting a damn therapist now.

[00:21:18] Could you imagine they didn't have access to that? They didn't have health care. Like, we talked about it so casually, but I know what I went through for myself getting a therapist right now. We're talking about 2030 years before us. You didn't have that right.

[00:21:33] Even now, I think a collective sort of like openness for mental health. That's happened to last year's COVID. I was like, this is for you. We get it in 30. 20 30 years ago, pre-COVID and all this stuff.

[00:21:50] Even if you had the finances for it, black people would have probably rid of them. No, no, no, with us it was talking Jesus. Oh, there we go. I don't think we can be interested in this. Jesus. I'm glad we're going to get it online.

[00:22:02] Right foot is going to see you there. But they crazy. Uh-huh. I remember saying that. I remember that being like about my head, the 80s. So, but that was a thing like the only crazy people went to their pissed and I think we have evolved past that.

[00:22:16] But even furthermore, back in the day, it wasn't really no black therapist. Then there's that. There's no way, no black person was sitting down and telling, they business to a white person. I know what you're doing. Right. Right. You have a black therapist too.

[00:22:30] Don't tell a kid you think. You know, we don't have enough. That's another area where we definitely need more therapists. But like my therapist and I, we have a standing employment Wednesdays 8 o'clock in the morning and I tell everybody because of him. I am.

[00:22:46] But like I say to him all the time, I could imagine having a white therapist because that had to explain stuff to him. Because he understands the culture. Right. I'm like, I would be so exhausted if I had to explain to you what to up. I get one.

[00:23:05] I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's I mean, What did you mean by that? You're like, this is like, I'm not my every other Wednesday. And I try my best if I have to rearrange, if I have to try to work around and she went,

[00:23:24] am I going to see you? What's your name? You know what you're going to see me. This is not good. You are saving lives. Baby, we need to talk. Huh? Now, let's discuss it. All right. For our last discuss it segment, we're going to pivot big time. Yes.

[00:24:02] Okay. We are going pivot big time. So when we did our interview, we talked about some of the bad, bad dates that Miss Kendas had when she was newly divorced and excited. And they just hopped her excitement bubble. So we talked about them.

[00:24:21] We're going to talk about them. DMs. It's a share of the free bad dates. And maybe the next time, maybe the next time we get you on no time we talk about a few more. Okay. So probably a first date that I went on after I was divorce

[00:24:41] was probably my, I was saying number three. Okay. So let me explain. I now have a list that I compare Negroes against because that's what we want to do. I have a list. I do have a list and have questions that I asked very early up

[00:25:01] front because I've learned that you can assume stuff and you need to ask questions. So this was at the very beginning. Well, this was the man who made me realize that I need to ask men. Are you married? Oh, why? Because we'd never occurred to me.

[00:25:19] I don't know. The full blown ass married man, even when his wife would ask me out on the day. Oh, why? That's so sad that you have to ask. Baby. I didn't know. I didn't know this was this was happening out here. You know,

[00:25:37] so, oh, yeah, by the way, one of my other rules is you don't date people at work. We talk about this on my pod. Yeah, 70% of people. Yes. That data somebody at work, which I found to be absolutely wild. That was like, what shall I do with?

[00:25:54] Because they don't mind even frying at my job. But yeah, I'll work at. I'll end. She got one. What? I'm going to tell you as I tell my. You data somebody at work. No, no, no, no. Look, we've been married. I'm fucking. Wait, wait.

[00:26:12] Well, okay, let me let me let me let me. I learned that my first job when I worked at Gertgen in high school. I went into Burk in. I started talking to this young lady that worked to drive through right?

[00:26:25] So the location of my burking was in the zone of my high school. Okay. Burking in it area. Of course. If not, then I'm going to see your friends. That you know that I went to school. So this young lady then comes to me.

[00:26:42] So every young lady that comes in there, hey, man, are you doing? Who is that? Who the hell is that? And I'm on the fries like. We talk sick and be careful. Okay, look, I can't even put the nail off of the area. You know what I'm saying?

[00:26:58] I learned it. I learned it. Yeah. You don't deal with nobody at work. Because it's too much pressure. So that was number three. I'll put me on the drive through. So when they put them on the drive through this one, they got worse.

[00:27:12] I would be a drive through and talking to one of my home girls from school with up, you know, saying, giving them the money, then I feel the pitch in my damn side. They have to pinch back. Got a grum on pinch. You were a big. You speak.

[00:27:27] Yeah. Oh, time to think it. Burk it. I'm going to do it. All right. So number three was his. Mary was married. Wait, number. Yeah. I did do found out he was married. He talked about it. He told me very casually like I knew.

[00:27:44] Because I don't wear ring. Okay. Oh, so give me my wife. Make a what? You're what? What? You're. You're. What? What? Okay. So you're on the day that he liked. Yeah, me and my wife. You don't have to be. You don't have to be.

[00:28:04] I mean, it's like first of all, listen, I laugh and I joke but I do not play. I'm desirious. I mean, it's what every fiber of my being. I don't deal with folks husbands as far as I'm concerned you ask you to get killed. Right. How is it?

[00:28:19] That's the same. That's the side mission. It's how you lose real talk these days, though. Look at all, what's. Excuse me. Yeah. I just had to find a. I knew. Okay, so that was number three. I got a little bit of 30. Number two.

[00:28:37] So after and this is after I've been dating a while. So I got very good at vetting. At least I thought I was. But stop, we've got men do not read dating profiles or if they do and I can't speak to women

[00:28:51] if you're listening and you're saying women don't read them either. That might be true, but I don't date women's all know men. They don't read. Okay. So like I've learned to ask questions upfront of things that I already put on my dating

[00:29:04] profile because these nigg rows don't read. Okay. I'm very clear that I have three children. My youngest is 14. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't obeyed these. Okay, it's for recreational use only. You know what? But I see where this is going.

[00:29:23] This was a real nightmare. Okay. Okay. So the first day. There's some men who are really deranged. They feel like them saying they want to get you pregnant is enticing in some way and to me, that's a damn threat. I already told you what I want. Right?

[00:29:43] You see your face? That's a threat. I don't know. What do you talk about? Right. That's not cute. So then to take it a step further, clearly all the shit wasn't far enough. His head right. Clearly. I got a new senior real life. I'm a big girl.

[00:29:59] You know, I come from a family of big people in about five nine barefoot. Right. Think. They go look that me and was like, you'd make it athlete. Oh, just. He did. That's the latest. My mom. And on an auction black. You want to look at my team?

[00:30:18] My girl. You just have one. What do you even say? You're DMO and babies. You're saying. You can't get the messages. What are you doing? OK, but wait. It gets better. That was the second crazy. Yes, thing you said.

[00:30:36] The third thing you said is I already decided my head and going back out with you. I'm just finished my drink right here. And it will, you know, go about our lives. He was like, well, you know, I'm getting ready to buy my kids some phones.

[00:30:48] I was like, oh, OK, cool. What kind of phone you thinking about? He's like, well, you know, I don't know and drool it or whatever. I'm not sure how my son's going to use it. Why do you say that?

[00:30:57] Well, what my son was born with a birth defect was like, defect. He was like he only has two fingers on one hand. So you got to goddamn crap. You know what? That's not good. Because it's like in the, you want me to reproduce again.

[00:31:16] You have a crazy. And the way he was that you thought it was. Because you want me to drop see. Get from your seat. And you want me to have crap, baby. What did you finish the drink at that point?

[00:31:37] I did and blocked him on the way to the car. You know what I'm talking about? All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, wait. The first phrase is that he said the best. It was possible. Well, you want to meet a half of baby after I told him

[00:31:52] I clearly didn't want one. OK. Then then he told me I would have athlete. And he told me he has a crab already. You know what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at your hands. Hey, you know what?

[00:32:05] I ain't seeing your birthday face, but you look like you put out of a wire and see for yourself. You know what? Oh, my goodness. I'm not going to say anything. Why do you even say some shit like that? I'm like, yeah, I don't. That's flirting.

[00:32:18] That's the first day of the recording. Yeah. Very good. No. Oh, no. It has life. That's the goal. I'm even going to give you some. So far you ain't getting. That's just not there. You've been getting a lemon drop and that's it. Yeah.

[00:32:36] If that is game, if that is meant to end up like, what do you look like in behavior like on your worst day? If this is your what I'm saying, what you're doing to get me. What does it look like when you're comfortable? Because I'm trying to.

[00:32:52] This is not how I can. No, we don't want to think about that. I'm trying to understand. We don't wait. Actually, got worse. I don't want to talk about this. And now, not, not because I really didn't hear nothing else. He said after that, because I was already.

[00:33:06] Then I started looking at my hand and was like, okay, if I only have two fingers, what do you want to go say? I'm not this boy. I got the thumb on good. I'm not really. I was like, what's true? What I take?

[00:33:22] I get the thumb in the animal work as long as I got the thumb. As long as I got the thumb in the animal work. Daddy, get your brisk. I was like, no, this is how I was like, what I do my own. I do my pointer.

[00:33:38] My pointer. I needed to put a touch finger like I wouldn't say like this in the pinky. If I had the thumb, I need my bird finger. I need the like I need that. So if I had the thumb and bird finger, I think I'd be alright.

[00:33:55] So if you only had two, which two would you pick? I would want the thumb and bird probably the index finger. Probably her. I mean, I was like, you're an index finger. He was pretty. You see how nice he is. I used my middle finger though. Me too.

[00:34:11] He's been his father. He's been because of his step mom on the middle finger. He's hard to do it like a race. That's true. He's going to be waving at your. Hey, Marl. You know what you weigh? You're my off-camera. Wait. Yeah. That's nice. Alright.

[00:34:31] So that's so I'm scared. He's still resistance number one. We didn't actually make it on a date. Because let me tell you what happened. It was, it was crazy. So first of all, okay, y'all know I'm like skin. I don't like like skin Negroes. I don't.

[00:34:48] I like chocolate. It is what it is. I gave a like skin Negro with chance. And he has what happened. Remind me of why I don't. Okay? We're talking. And as we're talking, I said he said something like, why are you single? And I said something like niggas.

[00:35:08] But they did it to them. Because you know, it's not a talk. And he was like, we are too educated to use. It's good to know that. And I was like, the night in that military. I'm a walkout. Alright. Okay. I apologize because you know,

[00:35:26] I do understand that there are some people who feel very strongly about it. And I understand and I apologize. That didn't mean to offend you. But we're going to have a conversation about how we're not going to communicate in that way.

[00:35:36] So like, because this is the first time I learned of this sensitivity. And that response, unless you have a medically documented reason to respond in that way. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That's one sophisticated corporate savage came out. Right. We're not going to reverse in that way. Okay? Thank you.

[00:36:01] Alright. So we wet. We continue to conversation and to pull themselves together. Everything was fine. Okay. Later at the same night, I'm out and chillin. I get a unsolicited dick. Hey. Happy Pubs. That's the morning. Yeah. So we're going to say that. We can't use word. Legal.

[00:36:28] But I have seen your picture of my teeth. Here's my dinner. So let's discuss the fact that someone should express wanting to see your penis before you just send it. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Someone should express that. We will. We probably should meet. That might help.

[00:36:47] We're going to drink. I'm going to drink. Exactly. I'm going to wait. Wait. I'm going to see your face. Can we attach to do face? Uh, penis and the line. Right. Right. I'm going to attach my glasses for this one. This can this.

[00:37:01] Wasn't even like of satisfactory because normally, because they do that, you might even have started to treat this by pulling the do this. But boy, he never knuck the game for us who's like, see, okay, it was okay.

[00:37:16] But you know, I was out with my girls drinking at the top. So all it is is laughter because as far as I'm concerned, all unsteppy, this has H.I.B. So you know what? It's a hell. It's a hell. You know what? I don't take that elsewhere.

[00:37:34] So there was that. But then it gets better. He wanted me to send a picture back. I was like, a picture of what? I don't even know you are you're still better. Fingers. Yeah. You can go to you at as far as I'm concerned.

[00:37:51] You were listening to stupid. So there was that. But then. I was a video of him masturbating like I can't wait to feel inside of you. I was like, I'm not. And this is the person who you've never met. We can't say nigger, but we can't say nigger.

[00:38:07] I was like, I'll never see him again. He's been out here making life's can't people. So no nigger. But never regions are just open. Oh, wait. I thought I would never see him again. About three months later. I was at Capa event.

[00:38:28] And yes, who was at the registration table right in front of me? What? Did he? Oh, he knew who I was. He was jumping as a hookah in church. So he did he speak to you as if he knew he were. He does.

[00:38:44] He looked at me and got real nervous in the face. Oh, he. He knew who I was and when he was wrong. He looked familiar. What's up? The, the, the, the, the. What's your mission? You should see it. Well, no, you should have said it was a. Oh.

[00:39:05] Yeah, I mean, haha. But the phony. What's up? You. Hey, the, the, the, the real life. The, the, the, just to go from a conversation. We wasn't even talking about nothing sexual. Hey, regular stuff. What you like to do for fun, my nigga, like regular stuff. Right.

[00:39:32] I can't even wrap my head like that's so childish. And to think that grown people operate that way. That's a lot of them is she's a lot of them. And this cheats having a problem with telling the man what you do for them.

[00:39:48] You know, I'm saying like yo. It is insane. Like you. And here's the thing though, to play devil's advocate. I think there are women who respond to this because otherwise they wouldn't do that. There's number one. We're going to additionally. He had another guy.

[00:40:09] For a guy will give a bonus round. We talked for a little while on a phone. He seemed like a decent guy here at a decent government job or whatever. I. He would not take me on a date because I would not send him naked pitches of myself.

[00:40:22] Look, got to hear what I like to be a grown person. I have that mentality like that's not bad. I only deal with black. Okay.

[00:40:32] So I feel like okay, I know I'm getting that buy from her, but I feel like this is a testament to where like I'm having this call. I told my friends other day, like it seems like black women are a lot more willing to go get the therapy.

[00:40:44] Get the help, get the this, get that. It's just when you see these real life situations plant pan out, like you can't be a healthy Negro and go. My and your first thing is, oh, we talking and nothing sexual. Let me send a good pick.

[00:41:01] So you mean right. And then first is black me. Yes, he's okay. Oh, that doesn't. Right. Yeah. You need to be an inverse in terms of what black men want black women seem to be more willing to work with them. So that's the first thing for me.

[00:41:14] And then from what I see first of all, most men should be. So men period are what did you say? We're very immature. Yes.

[00:41:24] So, you know, from a guy to guy basis, you know, I don't have a discussion, but I can see some young men in this 20s or 30s would have an discussion with sports.

[00:41:37] But what I can imagine is what is in your brain that makes you say, you know, what? I think it's all right for me to send a damn dick to woman. I just damn never and then I'm a send a video. Everybody 40 enough. Everybody's 40 enough.

[00:41:53] Don't deal with under 40. So in that even in the aspect, I'm like, so with who raised you? And even more scary than that. But it's not all fathers. And if they have to subject, no, it's just accepted on it. But if they have kids, they're raising someone else.

[00:42:13] Yeah. They aren't on their part. Yeah. That's true. Like the things I've heard aside from these men like bonus round, there have been men who's just like, you know, I'm one of the questions I always ask is why are you divorced?

[00:42:29] And I've gotten into it with men about it because some men are like, well, you know, that's not your business. What I'm like, listen, I need to know the details of who shot John, but if you ask me,

[00:42:40] I tell you, I need to know your level of honesty, that's number one. But I also need to understand your thought process and your level of accountability. Because if you're telling me it was her, her, her, her, her, her, right. Right. Can't have a single single. Right.

[00:42:56] Because there's nothing that's always one person's for a man, tell me, I, yeah, I just, I don't know why Mary, my ex wife, I didn't, I wasn't even attracted to her. So you're not cheated on how to hold time. Okay. Next. Boom. I see.

[00:43:11] She's your shitty person to me. That more so. Yeah. Then I can appreciate that more so then telling me the fault of said person. Yeah. Like telling me. Oh, baby, they'd be ready to run it down. Okay.

[00:43:25] But telling the fault, because if you are giving me a laundry list of what this person did, then I'm immediately going to think that you are a woman, beater. Because you have to, like you said, two people have to have shared responsibility in them.

[00:43:40] Even, it doesn't matter how it started, they're shared responsibility in it. And if you're telling me it was all heard that tells me that you might have been a little bit of music. And even then, I think she's not even longer than our citizens.

[00:43:55] I know some people were saying, oh, that's an over-gematic response. But the line between verbal abuse and physical abuse, it's very fan of times. Like sometimes physical abuse and if somebody can, like when I look at the situation where just for example,

[00:44:12] you know, using my generation, you know, Tory and Megan, when I see how people respond to stuff like that, it makes me feel like, okay, so how would you respond to Margaret? How would you respond to Keisha and who, you know, who this happens to?

[00:44:25] You know, so it's more than just that person that it happened to, right? I'm saying that. Still live in a patriarchal society. You can't get my voice back. Absolutely. Um, yeah. And that that trickles down to every aspect of life.

[00:44:41] And it sad because with black men, it's like they play into that patriarchal part, but then they're also excluded because of systemic racism. So it's like almost when you know situations where you have a child who's being abused by a woman,

[00:45:00] by the mother, because the mother is being abused by the father. So it's that type of thinking like, yeah, I get that you know, the situation that you're going through is not ideal is not good,

[00:45:14] but that doesn't mean that you come to me and I'm your sounding board, and I also, I think, the rich and bad. Yeah, and I also think that it's the wrong because as black men, I think we don't see that while we can be abused by the system,

[00:45:29] we also abuse our women like at part. Right. I think that's part at four and a half hours or five and a half for every time that a black woman is killed, that's black for my side. That's real talk. I made it to an Samuel. No, yeah.

[00:45:44] Is that to a guy? He's doing his thing. Like, and I try to be that being that you know, and I don't think you should have to take after, you know, I'm saying, I get both qualities from them, don't get me wrong.

[00:45:55] Being that I take a lot more from my mother physically and how we think we, we butt heads a lot because we think so much. And I don't think black men should need that relationship with their mother to sympathize with black women,

[00:46:07] but I think it's been helpful in my journey as a black man that is self-restating and what's being your black women. That's a thing. No, I definitely think it impacts it a lot.

[00:46:17] You know, one of the things that I've had to learn to add to my rule list, you got to ask these Negroes with their relationship is with their mom because if they don't have a good one with their mom,

[00:46:25] they will spend a whole life making your life hell. Exactly. And let me say this, where we're, we're, we're, we're because you said that. We have all went through our stuff as a family, but I have never taken out

[00:46:36] what me and this one that went through with black women, you can ask any black woman I've come in contact with. And the grocery store, I make a friends with them. Not, not shading you understand? No, but this is where the buy rate comes into effect.

[00:46:49] You know, I make friends with them. I am nice to them. We have to have you get into the law school like he definitely has that advocacy in hand. Not social worker, not social. And saying that because he was because he was up without law school.

[00:47:06] In loophole, that's our little loophole. Because you could tell him son, you can't go outside at night. And he would stand on the porch because technically I'm not outside. See now I'm like that's all I'm trying to do. Okay.

[00:47:22] So that's what law is so like what, what we don't want to say. I know right. We'll get on it. Oh, yeah. I mean, just put that felt like my shenaná just, you know, I felt.

[00:47:34] Okay, so before we get out of here, okay, give 10 things on your list that you would look for as far as a question. I'm seeing her list might only be 30. What? What we talking about. Yeah, I'm just saying. 10 questions you asked the guy. Right.

[00:47:53] Oh, I got about 25 of them. I don't have a million. I'm a million. I don't know the, the road, but I just walked in. You're top 10. You've got a top 10. Well, I had one of my told you about how's your relationship with your mother. Okay.

[00:48:07] Tell me about your own significant relationship or relationships and what happened. Okay, that's a good one. And then my follow up question would be, would you do anything differently? Right. Tell me about your relationship with your children.

[00:48:30] The one thing that was solid with the dude that I'm with now. He's amazing. The first, he got my attention because I've asked that question quite a bit. Tell me your relationship with your children and he's like, I love them jokers.

[00:48:45] They're going to my nerves, but I love them. Yeah. Because there's a whole lot of Negroes that be like, see what happened was. And they mama and all this kind of foolishness. And my thought is this, if you will leave them and they came out of

[00:48:59] the old body, I'm standing at no balls chance to help. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Exactly. So there's that. What do you believe? Yeah. That's good. I learned over my journey that I used to be more like and no shade of anybody who was not Christian, right?

[00:49:19] Believe what you want. But for me, I need you to be Christian. We need to be on the same page in terms of that. Because I found that a lot of men who say this spiritual, they not.

[00:49:34] They just talk shit in the barbershop and it's a little prayer when somebody died to funeral like that's it. The morning queen. Yeah, no, that's that's a red flag right. Good morning. It's green rising. That's a red flag. That's great. That's great. Yeah.

[00:49:55] I need to understand about your spiritual work. Like we need to be aligned in that. Do you smoke? I don't know smokers. Like if you do cigars every once in a while, that's cool. But weed smokers need not apply. Do you drink?

[00:50:09] If so, how much we need it, we definitely need to understand that. We kind of get to the questions of what you do. And for me, it's not so much about money per se. But the Bible says money answers all things, right?

[00:50:24] But I'm too old to be doing some struggle. Shit, you need to be able to take care of yourself. You need to be able to take care of yourself. That's number one. Number two, you need to be happy with what you're doing because I've come to find out

[00:50:42] potential has an expiration. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes. And it hits around my age. Yeah. If you have a realized some successes, men, they're built differently. I think for women it might not be as true, but I know for men that if you haven't

[00:51:01] realized some successes in your life, there's a level of a steam that you're not going to have. They're going to be a little bit deflated and not going to be good on themselves. And I'm going to go get an entrepreneur.

[00:51:13] So I don't need somebody who's in my house, who's mad or all the damn time because I'm out here doing the damn thing and you can't figure out where to get started. You know, have no theory like a man who will man.

[00:51:24] I say, I feel like we said that quite a bit about scoring women, but I'm miserable, man. Oh, he's going to miss everybody often and they're in the home because it's keystone when dealing with him is fairly don't want to deal with them. Nobody else.

[00:51:35] And you got, you got to go do it again. Yeah. About me. About who? You got to go to another show. And you got to know. You've never choose a man based on potential. Yes. And no, no, you can't.

[00:51:48] And even if I go hang and then to do it exactly. Exactly. Aside from the potential thing, that's something else that's important. It's not a question that I asked, but it's something that I definitely make sure that an observed.

[00:52:04] Make sure you're watching exactly what the person gives you. Don't make no excuses. If there's something you have a question about ask a question. Don't make no assumptions. Yes, but they are exactly what the hell they show you. Exactly. And you better accept it.

[00:52:23] Yeah, they are exactly what the hell they show you. One of the best pieces of advice that I got from a friend of my family that has been invaluable to me. He said that his father told him as he was growing up when you're picking a

[00:52:38] mate, make sure you go to the house and look around and see how they live and how their family is because that dynamic, they're going to recreate new house. Yeah. That'll preach itself. That's the fact right there. Yes, right.

[00:52:52] I've come to find out that that is so true. So, you know, that's my two cents. Those are the things I look for. Well, the one that you have, he has to check off boxes and be a magnificent individual because I know, I know you'll cut them quick.

[00:53:11] Yeah. Baby, you were magnificent individual. I think it's fake. I don't include me on this. Let me tell you about this guy. I will tell you about my Cuba. He is. It's not going to be on a damn thing. Shit. You're playing. Where did it go?

[00:53:42] Why are you putting my name on the thing? You're much a host and know about me. I got booze. I will sit you, said it. That's probably the number one thing I like about him. He talks shit just like me. He can definitely keep up with me.

[00:54:04] The number one thing I think the first thing that I noticed about him that I really liked is he laughs and he smiles. Do you know how many Negroes don't laugh? I mean, like he has such a pleasant general disposition about him.

[00:54:24] He really is the person that I thought was not possible. You know, it was, you know, just kind of that song how that song said, you know, you let go when you let God, he is the man that I didn't think was possible.

[00:54:36] Child, I was so ghetto when we went on our first day. I didn't even put no makeup on. I got off a plane. He was like, you want to go out? I was like fine. I would have seen damn thing that I had on on plane.

[00:54:47] Like I didn't change my clothes and nothing. I was just like whatever. Let's see what this Negro got to say. He was so ghetto. It's like now I look back at it. Now I'm like the bear is right. 17 Sundays later. We still count 17 Sundays later.

[00:55:03] Oh, I'm so sweet hanging there. Yeah, I got to just throw on black ones. Let's do it. You're getting on that. Hang in there brother. You gotta have a strong back. That's what I want after what you had been through. You were shell, child.

[00:55:24] Yeah, listen, they don't, they don't know all that. My job business. Oh, I love that. No, but like he is just so kind. Honestly, I can show you September 1st of this year.

[00:55:41] I made a list of the qualities that I wanted in my man and he has them all. Even being over six feet tall, I was petty about that thing. Well, I mean, you're five nine. So I can understand that. I hear her there.

[00:55:59] Because we were when they shot at me, like it's not how far you didn't drink enough milk. I don't know what you said. When is the women her size? We talk about it. Well, we had to say it like that though.

[00:56:12] I'm just saying this is sure it's a play of to a man. That is the only thing that pisses me off. Who you want, but there's not enough tools. Like, listen. The team told girls like me. I don't want Gary Coleman. You know, I don't. I don't.

[00:56:27] But those people in the bathroom, like they shoot their shots. In the end that I can look at it. That's the look. Because if some pop off, I don't know if I'm protecting you or you protect me. I can't. I'm five one in a half.

[00:56:44] Sir, and if you and I, five one in a half, yes, four little, no, not at all. I don't know. She's the first. Oh, print. You might as well. And cat Williams, those are the only things for me. I don't know who would be protecting him.

[00:57:05] So I'm baby. Look, look. It's nice to have a tall little athlete, but it's from her body, right? That's the petty part. That's the part we look at. Just generous kind, considerate. Yep. Yeah. Like I don't have to explain every damn thing who you. Intelligent. Yes, emotional intelligence.

[00:57:29] Those things are huge and it's like, And you know, I told you, I, I, I, I listen. You can be an athlete, but if all of a sudden, fire an off right, we ain't got none to talk about the work we're going to do. Right. Right.

[00:57:45] And for me, I know I'm a little bit, I'm a little bit of a sociopath. I sometimes I have to take with him. So he, that's where he comes in and balances me out. And I have to ask him, should I be upset about this?

[00:58:00] Am I right to be upset about this? Because I, I go to anger. That's good to do. And, and I sit in anger and I think of, well, I'm just going to cut this person off and I don't care. And, and then I talk to him.

[00:58:14] And he's like, well, baby, from this perspective, blah. Oh, okay. So we're not supposed to be that way, okay? Um, so he, he balances me with that because I'm not the nice one. Oh, I get that as the person who was also nothing nice one. Right.

[00:58:29] So I get that. I know what this is thing. I'll talk about you all night in my school. And you guys are very pleasant. I think that a lot of times you try to mix stuff up because of

[00:58:42] this high, I had to hold on back in the days. Because I want to be that strong person. But now it's just like in breathe easier. Got somebody taking care of you and it's just like, you know, hey, not can relax a little bit.

[00:58:57] But in your mind, until yourself, I ain't out of like people. But this is thing that both of y'all, both of y'all being the dance. So talking to the damn people, more than we do, talking to the fucking family.

[00:59:08] I'm talking to fucking, probably get out of the dance. It's so good. I think you're hearing about that. You might have read it. So you're holding one thing. She read it ago. How can I say, she read it. Wait a second.

[00:59:21] Wait, wait, I got to tell y'all this. He can be ready to go. I got to take my glasses off. Tell y'all this shit. I can't wait to tell my therapist in the morning.

[00:59:31] Child, my best friend got to a dane and she got a church on Sunday, right? I was like, Oh, child, they don't know what I know. Praise the Lord. I'll be there. Go to the hospital this time.

[00:59:42] Shit, if your best friend got to a dane, what the hell would you say? Same thing, probably. Really? Really? Yes. How do I always want to know you? You can come to my service. I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I'm a washing machine. I'm a tree.

[00:59:59] You like, create, create mama. OK. I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I'm a watch the first service from afar. Yeah, on my shoulder. Make sure you don't burst into flames. Right. I have a third service. But wait, it gets better. The damn organist walks in.

[01:00:22] Six foot reblet man wearing a goddamn mini skirt. Perl's and heels. No, no, no. Dennis, why? Hey. In the room, Paul, do we have going on here? Woo. What is that? That was a skirt home. There's something. That's what shorts I first put a palm further inspection.

[01:00:51] It was a leather skirt. That would skirt home. Maybe with a kill now now. Now the church down. Black churches in the in the in our day. We knew the piano player was now. Times 10 was you know. You know, yeah, you know, that's what they said.

[01:01:10] You know, but he had on soup plans, whatever. I. Are you got shirt on? Come on. Yeah. I never seen no shit like this in my life before. I ain't going home. That piano bench do some too. That's it. My daddy said. He's going. He's going.

[01:01:33] I bet look. It's somebody. It's somebody. They can't pay to be in. It's somebody. Like I know. It's somebody. It's somebody. It's the wood. Oh, Jesus. He's. He's. He's. He's. Now. Oh, God. Oh. Y'all bug it. And then his canvas with a cape. You can't shoot. What? Right.

[01:01:59] You said, you said on your podcast, Bob, you laughed at my ass. What? You know how many damn times I've said, Candace, what a K and people spell C. A and D. I believe. It's probably the same way they say. They aren't saying.

[01:02:18] It's all the own for children. My sister's is Candace. It's with the C. But it's D. A. C. C. That's D. A. C. E. That's how most people spell it. So when I was in college, I had this guy that liked me. Chocolate dropped from New Orleans.

[01:02:37] I never forget it was Valentine's Day. He left me a heart. You know the heart with the little chocolate. And it's niggas built my name. C. A and D. I S. You know his phonics. You know his voice. My name was on the goddamn door.

[01:02:57] He knew his phonics. He didn't know his sight words. That was on the door. My name was on the door. It was my way. That's how it sounded out. That's right. The team dances here. That's how it sounded out. That's your relief for you.

[01:03:15] It was my roommate who just got our name. She ate it because I don't like chocolate. It was the strike, though. I don't even like chocolate. That's all that good. That's all about good. Let's go. That's his hot. He's fun. Y'all. I'm just fun. All right.

[01:03:34] He's been having joy this time with you. We have. Absolutely. Absolutely. This has been delight. Thank you for joining us. So if anybody wants to reach out to you, how can you be reached? There are. I'm on socials.

[01:03:51] You can find me, Candace, with a K Whitaker or the name of my podcast is bail yourself out. We are on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, check me out. We are everywhere you get your pods. That's right. This is Candace with a K.

[01:04:04] You can definitely get me Whitaker with one T like forest. All right. All right. You know what? This is a yes. Yes. You're family. Thanks for joining us on this episode of Beyond I Do Park. Please make sure to like this episode and also subscribe to our podcast.

[01:04:31] You can also find us on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube at The Beyond I Do Park. And until next time, we will hallowed each other.