Are you emotionally intelligent?

[00:00:03] After over 25 years of marriage, we've learned that successful couples have great friendships.

[00:00:09] Put each other first and focus on light, just as much as love.

[00:00:13] We believe marriage should be fun and easy.

[00:00:15] Our goal is to share our journey with the hopes of helping others build strong, happy relationships.

[00:00:22] Join us as we continue to create our lives beyond I Do.

[00:00:26] Before we get into our episode, we want to share this disclaimer.

[00:00:36] We are not marriage counselors nor are we mental health professionals.

[00:00:40] Simply want to share with you what is worked in our marriage.

[00:00:43] Now, on to our episode.

[00:00:45] All right.

[00:00:58] On this episode, we're joined by Ms. Aaron Darden.

[00:01:04] Esquire.

[00:01:06] Esquire.

[00:01:07] She is an emotional intelligence in romance relationship specialist.

[00:01:14] In addition to an attorney, I'm going to brag a little bit on your back.

[00:01:19] That's beautiful with that.

[00:01:22] All right.

[00:01:22] So Ms. Aaron, if you would please tell us a little bit about yourself, your background and

[00:01:28] what it is that you do and floors yours.

[00:01:33] Absolutely.

[00:01:34] So thank you so much for having me.

[00:01:36] And I really appreciate the opportunity.

[00:01:37] Any chance I get to talk about emotional intelligence in the importance of it and building

[00:01:42] maintaining healthy relationships.

[00:01:44] I'm all for it.

[00:01:45] I really think that this is my purpose at the moment.

[00:01:48] I'm like you mentioned by trade, I am an attorney.

[00:01:50] And I was dressed up.

[00:01:53] Right.

[00:01:54] I probably knew within two months of practice and all that that's not why I was created.

[00:01:59] And I went on this journey.

[00:02:02] I'm trying to figure out why were you created?

[00:02:04] Like I had not my whole life but the last I was 18 year of my life, plan on going to law school.

[00:02:11] Go to law school, do well graduate get an amazing job with the government.

[00:02:15] I get there and I hated it.

[00:02:17] And that was difficult to accept that being an attorney is something that people admire.

[00:02:25] And here I am miserable every day.

[00:02:27] I cried every single day because I had to go to work.

[00:02:31] And so I knew that's how I knew that this wasn't for me.

[00:02:35] I believe in God and I don't believe that God would have such a thing for my life.

[00:02:40] And so I went on a journey to try and figure out what it is.

[00:02:44] He would have me to do.

[00:02:45] And one of my friends asked me like you know what is the fact that everybody always

[00:02:49] asked you for advice has something to do with your calling.

[00:02:52] I'm like I never thought about it like that.

[00:02:54] I just always wondered why do people ask me, I actually don't ever give advice.

[00:02:58] I help people figure it out.

[00:03:00] And at some certain, I figured out that coaching is my think.

[00:03:04] It always has been I've always been to go to person even though I don't give advice.

[00:03:08] But I help people figure it out.

[00:03:10] People always talk about you know they feel like they can talk to me about anything I'm

[00:03:14] a safe space.

[00:03:15] And so I said okay coaching but now what?

[00:03:18] Is that to be, you could be any type of coach.

[00:03:20] Right.

[00:03:21] I started to think about things I had to overcome because I believe that God doesn't bring

[00:03:26] you through things for yourself right?

[00:03:28] So that you can help other people.

[00:03:30] And the most recent issue I had was at work one of the reasons that my job was so miserable

[00:03:36] was because I had what I thought was a kind of sending supervisor.

[00:03:41] And he would write all over everything that I did, nothing with ever write, he would always

[00:03:46] come and say oh you're missing something and that that relationship at work it made me

[00:03:50] doubt myself, it made me feel unheard right?

[00:03:53] I had done so well up in denial and every time people come to my office he would start

[00:03:58] with there's something missing in this brief that I wrote.

[00:04:01] And I just couldn't figure it out.

[00:04:03] And I just so happened to be in getting my coaching certification at the same time and we

[00:04:06] were on the type of emotional intelligence.

[00:04:08] And the emotional intelligence works for any relationship.

[00:04:12] So I was learning at the time that right, pay attention to how you feel right, figure

[00:04:17] out why you feel that way which I could do right?

[00:04:20] He always told me that I felt like as a new baby black attorney right that can shake

[00:04:25] your confidence.

[00:04:26] You have concerns about that.

[00:04:28] So I knew that I knew that I was anxious.

[00:04:30] I knew I felt incompetent but the third component of emotional intelligence is where everything

[00:04:34] changed for me and that's empathy.

[00:04:37] And it's taking the time to see things from the other person's perspective.

[00:04:41] I never thought to stop and think about why he is the way that he is in the minute I did

[00:04:46] everything changed for me.

[00:04:48] And I realized that right, he would write all over my stuff but he only made dramatic changes

[00:04:53] right?

[00:04:54] He could he didn't know enough to make substance have changes.

[00:04:57] So he was making happy to glad.

[00:04:59] So that was the only authority or control he felt like he could assert.

[00:05:04] And I also learned that he likes to teach so he thought it was a teaching moment.

[00:05:08] And so now once I figured out him and I understood him and I understood me, the whole dynamic

[00:05:14] of the relationship changed.

[00:05:16] I knew how to talk to him.

[00:05:17] I knew how to bring things to his attention.

[00:05:19] I almost knew how he was going to respond before he did.

[00:05:22] Right?

[00:05:23] That relationship was no longer an issue for me because I learned how to manage it.

[00:05:28] And so as I was figuring out what type of coach I wanted to be, right?

[00:05:32] I thought about emotional intelligence and it was something that I was truly passionate about.

[00:05:36] But I said, you know, you usually hear about emotional intelligence in the workplace, right?

[00:05:40] That's what I usually offer the trainings, right?

[00:05:43] Superior is learning there.

[00:05:44] So a board is, you know, that dynamic.

[00:05:47] But I said, what about personal relationships?

[00:05:51] Our personal relationships have a bigger impact on our quality of life.

[00:05:55] We are quick to leave a job that is not serving us, but we're not so quick to leave those personal relationships.

[00:06:01] And so I started to implement the skills of emotional intelligence and my personal relationships both romantic

[00:06:09] and platonic and life got so much easier for me.

[00:06:13] Again, so much clarity, especially when it came to communication.

[00:06:17] I was extremely shy.

[00:06:19] People don't usually believe me growing up.

[00:06:22] I didn't talk to people.

[00:06:23] I shrugged all the time, like, so to be this person now that can effectively communicate what I'm feeling.

[00:06:29] I'm not concerned about how somebody's going to receive what I say.

[00:06:33] I really take the time to think about how I need to say this so that they can hear what I'm saying and understand.

[00:06:40] And avoid unnecessary because I argue.

[00:06:42] I'm voting unnecessary argument all of that.

[00:06:45] And so it has really made a huge difference in just my quality of life personally.

[00:06:51] That's awesome.

[00:06:52] So you've spoken about emotional intelligence for listeners.

[00:06:57] Can you give us an overview of what emotional intelligence is?

[00:07:02] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:07:03] So the textbook definition, right, emotional intelligence is your ability to identify and understand

[00:07:10] and manage your own emotions, but also to understand your partner's emotions.

[00:07:14] And to use all of this to move the relationship forward, the way that I like to explain it,

[00:07:20] it is the way that you know what you're feeling, you know why you're feeling away, you feel.

[00:07:25] And you know how to respond or to bring it up to your partner in a way that they can receive it

[00:07:30] that you don't continue this argument for no reason, right?

[00:07:34] And it benefits the relationship.

[00:07:35] It has a lot to do with conflict resolution, right?

[00:07:37] So I tell people all the time that conflict is inevitable in a relationship.

[00:07:42] Right?

[00:07:43] It's how you deal with it that matters.

[00:07:46] Right.

[00:07:47] I mean, so I think one thing that sometimes people don't understand is that the yelling, the screaming,

[00:07:52] the shouting, those are actually signs of a lack of emotional intelligence.

[00:07:56] It is, people don't usually believe me, but you don't have to fight and argue in a relationship.

[00:08:03] Right.

[00:08:03] It's not have to be the norm.

[00:08:05] Right.

[00:08:06] And it all has to do it making sure that you understand how you're feeling, why and what to do about it.

[00:08:12] Right.

[00:08:13] And you mentioned the workplace with me being an education.

[00:08:18] There's a big push now for socio-emotional learning in schools because I remember vaguely

[00:08:29] in elementary school and middle school working with the counselors.

[00:08:32] They would come in and then when I started teaching, they would come in like maybe once a month

[00:08:38] and they would do little lessons, little social lessons.

[00:08:41] And along the way, those things have been cut out.

[00:08:46] And so I think that the lack of emotional intelligence is something we're seeing

[00:08:51] because you have to be taught.

[00:08:54] Even though you feel the emotion, you have to be taught what to do with it.

[00:08:59] Absolutely.

[00:09:00] Yes.

[00:09:01] It's almost like we're kind of backtracking now with making sure that people are aware

[00:09:09] of their emotional intelligence.

[00:09:12] One of the things that you kind of brought up when you was talking about your boss

[00:09:18] in that situation, I had a coworker this was years ago.

[00:09:23] And I was trying to figure out why he was, you know, the way he was and he just

[00:09:29] rude to everybody.

[00:09:30] And then it didn't matter who it was.

[00:09:32] And once I learned who he was and I learned what his background was on the chair

[00:09:39] is it helped me to deal with him in a different way.

[00:09:42] So once I learned that information, it didn't upset me.

[00:09:47] You see?

[00:09:48] Say it when it was due because I knew it was coming from a place of low intelligence.

[00:09:54] And then fear your point, like he felt like he had to attack people just in a self-feel better.

[00:10:00] So when you know where it's coming from, it's like, well, you know,

[00:10:05] and that's one of the things that I kind of learned.

[00:10:08] I didn't know what it was.

[00:10:10] Once I learned a person who I'm dealing with and it makes it easier for me to deal with them

[00:10:15] in their level of maturity, whatever it is.

[00:10:18] You know?

[00:10:19] That's a good point.

[00:10:20] And our communication styles, right?

[00:10:23] I know the big thing is we want people, our part and so communicate effectively.

[00:10:27] Like that's like one of the first things people say, especially when I'm talking to crying.

[00:10:30] But what is it that you're looking for in a partner?

[00:10:33] Oh, he got to be emotionally intelligent.

[00:10:34] He's got to know how to communicate.

[00:10:36] And most people are neither.

[00:10:38] There is a survey by Thomas Morick.

[00:10:40] I think it's said only about 39% of the population is emotionally intelligent.

[00:10:46] Only 39%.

[00:10:48] Right?

[00:10:48] To the majority are not.

[00:10:50] And communication is the learned skill.

[00:10:53] We don't grow up necessarily learning how to communicate, right?

[00:10:57] Especially when you talk about emotions and how we are taught to deal with our emotions or not

[00:11:03] or taught to ignore our emotions.

[00:11:06] And if you can't process your emotions properly, there's no way that you can be an effective

[00:11:11] communicator.

[00:11:12] And so the way that people communicate is you can always trace it back to their childhood,

[00:11:19] right?

[00:11:20] For an example, somebody that may be loud and just in regular communicating,

[00:11:25] I necessarily want arguing, right?

[00:11:27] Somebody that is loud and they're asserted, right?

[00:11:30] It could be a sign that as a child, they weren't allowed to talk or their voice was taken away from them.

[00:11:35] And so now they're going to make sure that they get their point of pulse.

[00:11:38] You know, those are some of the things that I help people realize that, okay, what is your

[00:11:42] communication style?

[00:11:44] How did you get here, right?

[00:11:45] Why is this your communication style and does this work for your partner?

[00:11:48] Because just because that's your communication style that doesn't mean that you're a partner.

[00:11:52] Right?

[00:11:53] You know, it's communicate differently.

[00:11:55] Yommay resolved conflict differently.

[00:11:57] Right?

[00:11:57] And you have to learn how to be able to honor both of you guys a style and your conflict resolution style.

[00:12:02] And so, yeah, it definitely goes back to the way that you were raised, how you saw conflict

[00:12:08] handle growing up all of that.

[00:12:10] I know for us there was an issue.

[00:12:14] It's been like a couple of years, it was a recent thing and we had gotten into this big blow-up

[00:12:22] and we were emotions were high and for me because of childhood,

[00:12:29] that was like a huge bread flag and it was like, okay, we got to stop because arguing is going

[00:12:36] to lead to leaving.

[00:12:39] And it was that extreme for me because in my household there wasn't a lot of,

[00:12:44] there wasn't any calm communication to resolve a conflict.

[00:12:50] It was there's a knock-down drag out blowout and then some of the leaves.

[00:12:56] And so in the midst of it, he stops and tells me,

[00:13:00] baby, that's what people do.

[00:13:03] It's a great mix and then we talk about it, we discuss it and then we move on.

[00:13:08] And this was after over 20 years of being together.

[00:13:12] So it's important to understand like you said, the background and where those things come from

[00:13:17] and how we carry those things with us into adulthood.

[00:13:22] Absolutely.

[00:13:24] And another thing, once her and I communicated on certain things and we talked about this

[00:13:30] on the previous episode, it helped me to understand where some of the things were coming from.

[00:13:35] When she got the comfortable communicating with me and telling me, you know, some of the things

[00:13:39] she had been through as a child because I didn't understand it. I didn't have, I didn't

[00:13:43] grow in the same environment. So it helped me to understand her actions more so like I say with that,

[00:13:50] boy, it helped me to okay, well I don't know where this is coming from. So it's not.

[00:13:55] It's not a type on me. It's the emotions that at this time she was liking the ability to express.

[00:14:04] So that helped a lot just knowing the black ground and history of that stuff.

[00:14:11] So once, once you have someone who is aware of their feelings, how they process,

[00:14:16] feel and tell they express them, actually how they process them, we get to express

[00:14:21] in communication. So what are some things that with couples who are having a difficult time at that

[00:14:29] point? Like I know how I feel and how I've processed this. So now what do I do to convey

[00:14:37] how I'm feeling? Yeah. So I would say we would have to back up a little bit first.

[00:14:44] One, sometimes with in terms of even just identifying emotions. Everybody is not good at it.

[00:14:50] Especially if you are told to ignore your emotions your whole life. Don't cry. Manor, you'll be okay.

[00:14:58] Those things strip you of your emotional vocabulary. And I decided to hold conversation about

[00:15:05] the idea that I'm been a more logical and women are more emotional, which is not true. I did a

[00:15:09] whole conversation on it. And so when you strip somebody of their emotional vocabulary,

[00:15:14] it makes it harder for them to identify what they are even feeling. There are the core

[00:15:19] emotions. There's like four, five core, like happy sad angry, but you need to go deeper than that.

[00:15:25] Do you feel betrayed? Right. Just appoint it. Right. And so that is also something. That's where

[00:15:31] it starts. People don't really know. They just know that they have this negative emotion.

[00:15:34] They're angry. They're sad, especially for men. Unfortunately because men are sometimes taught

[00:15:40] to ignore their emotions when it comes up. Right. They think about socially acceptable ways

[00:15:45] to exhibit those emotions. Right. Violence, aggression. But there's something else going on.

[00:15:51] There's something else that triggered it. So that is the first thing learning how to

[00:15:56] actually identify what you are feeling right exactly. Processing a lot of people,

[00:16:03] I would say most people don't really know how to process what's going on. And so when I am

[00:16:09] working with somebody, this is usually something that we spend a great deal on because there

[00:16:15] people make up a lot of stuff. And so you've been called a process and but it made it up.

[00:16:21] This is not what helping. And so I tell people when you are learning how to process your emotions.

[00:16:27] As soon as you recognize a change in your shift, your energy. Right. First,

[00:16:32] identify what it is that you are feeling. The second thing is to identify the trigger. Like

[00:16:37] what caused this shift. Why is this a trigger that takes off awareness? And then once you are

[00:16:46] aware of why this is a trigger, you have to ask yourself, is this a methane, a empathy or a thing?

[00:16:53] Right. Right. Right. Is this something that is triggered in one of my insecurities that I need

[00:16:59] to work on? Or is it really something that you know, your partner did? And then once you figure that

[00:17:04] part of it, what is it that you want to do before hand? I believe in going into a conversation

[00:17:12] with a gameplay. You got to know or you should know what it is you are hoping to get out of this

[00:17:19] conversation. Are you looking for a change behavior? Are you looking for just to vent? Because all

[00:17:26] of these things play a role in your ability to communicate and how the conversation is going to go.

[00:17:32] If I can come to you and I have a share of my magic sense that I give my clients, but if I can

[00:17:38] come to you and share this magic sense with you, a lot of arguments will go away. All of that

[00:17:44] arguments. But the issue is that people try to talk before they have processed their emotions.

[00:17:50] Right. And so you cannot be emotional and logical at the same time. Your brain does not allow it.

[00:17:58] And so if you are still so consumed with the emotions, you don't care what they're saying?

[00:18:03] Right. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or nothing. That's when a lot, sometimes if you have to go

[00:18:08] bit and think about what they said and like all they were right. They've actually said that that means

[00:18:13] you were still consumed and you're reacting out of emotions. So processing is a big thing.

[00:18:21] A lot of times I have to talk to people about making stuff up. When there is a gap, we are

[00:18:27] prone to filling a gap with negative things that are not true. Okay. Right. If there is a get and so

[00:18:35] instead of asking you should ask for clarity instead. But instead we just jump right in. Oh well he meant

[00:18:41] it. Is there any right? Okay. I see what you're saying. So instead of in for clarity,

[00:18:49] you just you hear something and you you jump side it's a negative thing and okay. I see what you're

[00:18:57] saying. We yeah. I think we do that a lot. I see that with students that I work with a lot.

[00:19:03] So there are a few things that I tell people that to be careful of when you are processing.

[00:19:09] All right. One is filling in a gap with this information and one way that you kind of make sure

[00:19:13] that you don't do that is ask yourself is this effect or filling because still there's

[00:19:18] or not facts and so is this conclusion that you came up with supported by facts that you can identify.

[00:19:26] So I'll give an example. So let's just say there were plans to go out and he didn't answer the phone.

[00:19:34] Then answer the phone and he's late. Right. That made trigger something in her. I say

[00:19:41] did triggers anger or disappointment inside of her. Identifying the trigger, it would be him not

[00:19:48] answering the phone and him being late. Now why is that a trigger? Let's say if it was the last

[00:19:54] person that didn't answer the phone and didn't call it was cheating. So now I feel like this person

[00:19:58] is cheating. He didn't answer his late. Right. That's a me thing. Right. Right. And it's a

[00:20:06] feeling versus the fact that's a feeling because he never gave me any reason to believe that

[00:20:11] just because he's late. He didn't answer his cheating. Right. At that point I am projecting past experiences

[00:20:19] onto this relationship or even just the way that somebody talked to me to this person.

[00:20:25] Meaning that way or is it because growing up when I heard it and meant people were leaving out the door.

[00:20:31] Right. Right. And then from there what does it that you need to do? One if it's a

[00:20:36] he didn't call and he didn't he's late. And so now I feel like he maybe cheating. So what may

[00:20:42] need to happen, it may be something on both parts. Right. I may need to get over that

[00:20:45] work through that insecurity. But also as I'm getting through it, I may need to ask him hey,

[00:20:51] you know if you're going to be late, can you release and attack my such right? And you

[00:20:56] release and call me or you know just let me know in advance that you're going to be late. Right.

[00:21:02] And then I put a it has to be both parts. You can't just ask him to call and say and you

[00:21:06] not work through that insecurity or whatever that trigger or that feeling is right. It has to be

[00:21:11] both parts. Right. And so now that I know what I need to be different right, I need the correct

[00:21:16] it behavior. So now when I go to him and this is the magic sentence that I get people,

[00:21:22] I tell people I felt like when you did what state moving forward can we do that's why you

[00:21:29] see. So it could be I was disappointed when you relate once Saturday could you let it be specific.

[00:21:37] And you did not call moving forward. Can you at least text me if you are going to be late?

[00:21:43] Boys a huge blow up. But that takes time to get to that point which is why you have to make sure

[00:21:49] that you aren't trying to talk to somebody too soon, right? If you're still in those emotions it's

[00:21:54] no way possible for you to formulate this sentence and have an effective and logical conversation.

[00:21:59] Okay. Now there are situations we have some couples that we know of. Let's say one particular

[00:22:09] individual was in the failed relationship. You know there was a use there and there was a lot of

[00:22:16] verbal abuse and the other person that's coming in who has the lack of I don't know just

[00:22:25] successful relationships take these two people and combine them. What is somebody advised that you

[00:22:33] could. So the first thing is all we want to be self-awareness. You got to understand who you are,

[00:22:39] you got to understand your areas of growth and you got to understand what you need and what you want

[00:22:46] from your partner. And so depending on that is going to formulate how you guys handle conflict

[00:22:56] and you guys communicate but you definitely have to be to a certain level of healed.

[00:23:04] Because if you are not healed, it's no way possible that you can consider somebody else. It's

[00:23:08] no way possible you can take the time to step outside of your own shoes and see things

[00:23:14] some other people's perspective. And so if you are truly life happens we are all the

[00:23:20] some of our experiences. And so I don't know anybody that has had a you know a perfect record.

[00:23:26] There's some type of hurt pain in our paths, you know to different levels but at some point I

[00:23:34] feel like we have all been sad, we have all been angry and we carry that with us into relationships.

[00:23:42] And so I think the first thing that you have to do is to just really take the time to learn yourself.

[00:23:48] You know who you are, the good bed ugly and different, the night so nice, not so nice.

[00:23:54] The areas of growth like you have to be honest with yourself. Right? You have to be honest like

[00:23:59] none of this putting on a front, not wanting to show this person who you really are like if this

[00:24:03] is going to be your person, if you're going to be with this person forever, that's the part that

[00:24:08] they have to also accept. Exactly. And so that I will say that is the first thing you got to be honest

[00:24:14] with yourself about who you are. And I think once you are honest, I think you have to find somebody

[00:24:21] that values who you are and has the capacity to deal with your areas of growth. So they value

[00:24:30] your strengths and your areas of growth, they have the capacity to do with that. Right?

[00:24:37] And I think other than that you have to find somebody that wants the best for you is willing to

[00:24:42] help promote you grow right in this goes both ways for I'm just saying in one way but

[00:24:47] it's has to be on both sides. And you know really willing to take the time to understand who you are

[00:24:54] why you are the way you are and how you guys fit together. We say it all the time,

[00:24:58] real relationship is just two people learn how to coexist. A lot of the things that people

[00:25:05] consider relationship issues or things that I see people get a divorce for like I have people

[00:25:11] want you to help us and then tell us if we should get a divorce. I'm not telling you that.

[00:25:17] Absolutely not. But when I can't do it. Like absolutely not. I've never done family

[00:25:23] loads not my thing even then I still would never tell you whether or not you should get a divorce.

[00:25:27] But what I can do is walk you through your issues. Help you really identify what is really the

[00:25:32] issue. Just a problem. And then figuring out whether or not you feel like you can make through this.

[00:25:38] I think a lot of the problems that people think are relationship problems it usually comes down to

[00:25:45] one or both partner areas of growth. And so this is why a question that I get all the time is how

[00:25:52] do you help people with relationships or their marriage and your single? And I say because right

[00:25:57] I am good at the individual level, right? The things that people typically think are relationship

[00:26:04] usually comes down to one or both partners needing to grow. Right? If you can't communicate

[00:26:09] that's not a relationship problem that is one or both of you do not know how to communicate in the

[00:26:14] way that you the other person can understand. When you have conflict again a lot of times it comes

[00:26:21] down to how this partner feels and how that partner feels and make sure they understand each other.

[00:26:26] And so when I work with people in a relationship or marry people what I am trying to do is help

[00:26:31] them understand each other. Right? So that they can work through whatever issue they feel like they

[00:26:36] have and also deepen that intimacy. I wanted to touch on conflict resolution and how and when

[00:26:47] to learn those skills for conflict resolution because obviously a lot of times conflict

[00:26:55] in the midst of conflict is not the ideal time. There was also something I wanted to hear

[00:27:01] on and I guess we could do it now. I wanted to go back to something that was said a while back when

[00:27:08] we were talking about emotional intelligence and how men are you know you got to man up boys or

[00:27:15] not supposed to cry. One of the things that I have experienced in a lot of people in my circle have

[00:27:22] experienced as a woman, specifically a black woman is the you got to be strong. So it's that another

[00:27:31] dynamic that you find from women where there's a stifling of emotions because you know you have to

[00:27:39] be strong. So yes and no. First of all I think stronger than the customer. I don't know what people

[00:27:44] call me strong. I agree. Thank you. As strong as the customer don't call me strong. Oh you're so strong.

[00:27:51] Yeah. I want to be weak than a mug right now. I look that's people don't call me strong. You

[00:27:59] cut that. I don't like I get no you know yeah I want this strong black woman. I want that like

[00:28:05] you know that's not that's not what I want. And so I don't know if I would say that that is equivalent

[00:28:12] to men being stripped of their emotional vocabulary when they're talking to men up and don't cry.

[00:28:19] I think it's different in that when you are calling a woman strong, I think we typically know how we feel.

[00:28:27] Right. It's about the type of help we get when we are feeling a certain way.

[00:28:35] I think if anything, it actually creates more emotions because when we have this strong like

[00:28:40] woman complex, a lot of times it can lead us to feel them like we're feeling like we aren't doing

[00:28:47] enough in life. Right. I can't keep the 20 balls in the air that I'm trying to keep an air.

[00:28:55] And so just because I dropped one, all right. People like oh you strong you can do a keep on 20

[00:28:59] in the air and when you can't because who can. Right. I think it actually creates more

[00:29:06] emotions and making us feel inadequate or like a failure. I think we can still identify

[00:29:13] the emotion even though we are considered strong. It's now what do you do about it though.

[00:29:18] Right. What type of help do we get at that moment?

[00:29:22] And so that's an interesting question. I don't know if I would. It's definitely has different

[00:29:27] implications than you know men up and don't cry, but I think it's like a, in my have similar

[00:29:34] implications like a what I'm not allowed to be tired. Right. I'm not allowed to, okay. So maybe

[00:29:40] yeah. So maybe it can be similar. I'm not allowed to be tired. I'm not allowed to be you know,

[00:29:47] right. It's all still overwhelmed because I'm supposed to do all of these things. So I think

[00:29:52] it, I think it can be you know, the equivalent to right telemen to men up and all of that.

[00:29:58] It can, it can still teach you to ignore what you are feeling. Right. Right.

[00:30:04] Uh, for me personally that was a big one for me. And I can, and it's odd because I could

[00:30:12] I was very self aware. I still am and I can identify certain things when it comes to

[00:30:17] processing those emotions. That's where I was still to end not knowing how to process things

[00:30:25] or not wanting to sometimes that blankness was comfort, and not feel anything. So

[00:30:35] processing of those emotions. Mm-hmm. And that makes sense when I first started therapy

[00:30:41] or when I first went to the psychiatrist and I was telling him like, you know, I'm used to

[00:30:47] doing 50 million things that was like it's always been like even at the child. Like I would go to

[00:30:51] school, I had activity every day after school. And so this is always been my life to be involved in

[00:30:57] so many things. And so I was telling the psychiatrist like, I don't understand why this is any

[00:31:02] different. Mm-hmm. And he said, you know, I felt like I think I actually told him like I feel

[00:31:07] like I'm feeling at life and he was like, you're not feeling your tired right? And I stopped. I said,

[00:31:13] but I've always done this and he said, if I asked you to hold a five-pound weight, could you?

[00:31:19] I said, yes, five pounds. He said, then what if I asked you to hold that five-pound for a week

[00:31:26] for a month, right? For a few years. And I just looked at like, oh, yeah.

[00:31:35] So our capacity changes, right? Mm-hmm. I mean, and individually is five pounds, five pounds are

[00:31:43] the same like a lot. But now I got five pounds and you want me to add in a relationship and work

[00:31:49] and you know what I mean? And then what seems so small, it's five pounds. Right? Now it feels

[00:31:56] like a time. And you can put it down and rest. I said, I can put it down. But it's crazy. I never

[00:32:05] never thought about that. I mean, that's when I gave up this strong, and cold strong thing.

[00:32:09] Yes. It's funny because you know, I remember watching George Meyer one time and she was talking

[00:32:17] about, you know, she's out complaining the God I'm doing this. I'm doing that. I got this

[00:32:22] the one who got that going on. And she said, she's been sick. Larry got tell me, you know,

[00:32:28] you don't want to make your schedule. So when I think about society where we are now,

[00:32:35] you see all these motivational people on social media, you know? And I hate the clickbait

[00:32:42] there like you could be doing this. You could say, I really state, you could do this. Why are

[00:32:48] you not doing, you know what I'm saying? And then it's like people are made to feel like they're

[00:32:52] inadequate because I'm just working a nine to five. Right? And that's what I decide to do, but it's

[00:32:59] like well, you got to have 15 streams and income. That's what in this day and time and you know,

[00:33:05] not going to make it. And they're going to eat the word was going to eat you up and it's like,

[00:33:09] well, everybody in fit for that type of lifestyle, you know what I'm saying. So I think there

[00:33:15] a lot of times I knew the younger generation they feel almost inadequate like what am I going to

[00:33:22] do? I'm just working two jobs. Sometimes you need to rest. Right? Sometimes you need to rest.

[00:33:29] And so that survey that I mentioned earlier was that only 39% of people are emotionally intelligent.

[00:33:35] It also talked about people that are emotionally intelligent make more money because I think it was

[00:33:41] for every point that you raise your emotional intelligence. You make about $1300 a year for each point.

[00:33:47] And that's because when you are emotionally intelligent, right? You are aware of your strengths

[00:33:52] and your weaknesses and you play to your strengths. And so to your point, right? Not being out here

[00:33:58] trying to chase this Fed or this trend, right? Or get on that or make a quick, you know, some quick

[00:34:04] money, right? If you really take the time to learn your strengths, what is the debt you were good at?

[00:34:11] What are the things that you do in Nathalie? People come to you for help with what are the things

[00:34:16] that you can do with your eyes closed. What are the things that you do and you don't think twice

[00:34:22] about but people are like, oh my God, how did you do that, right? Play into that. Right? Social

[00:34:27] media is both a good and a bad thing, right? Because you can find out so much information.

[00:34:31] You know, but I think you got to be self aware first. So you know what to listen to and what not to

[00:34:35] listen to. Right? I know I get wrapped up in things like that. But our child when she was

[00:34:42] 19, this was around the time when I think it was the call it was saying chasing the bag.

[00:34:50] So that was their thing, they're chasing the bag and all this stuff. And I explained to her that

[00:34:55] a 19 year old who has parents should not be supporting themselves. I said, 19 year either in school,

[00:35:05] maybe you are working but you're still learning. I said a 19 year old who is fully self-sufficient,

[00:35:12] either comes from dysfunctional home and there's no parental support or there being a no

[00:35:19] at all and they can do things better than that adult that would provide support. I said, but that's

[00:35:26] not really the best case. That's not really best case scenario. And she was like, my friends,

[00:35:32] they have apartments and cars and I said, if they're doing all of that on their own,

[00:35:38] there's dysfunction in that. She said, well, some of them do sell drugs. So I'm like, you know,

[00:35:45] letting the drug dealers tell you that you should be self-sufficient. When truly,

[00:35:51] their self-sufficiency comes from illegal made. Listen to me at this big, I have one of my

[00:35:57] at this big wrong age I'm 35 years old. If I could move back in with my parents,

[00:36:03] right? Listen to me, right. I would, I would. So I had a podcast as well and I had my mom

[00:36:09] one episode because my parents this year would be 50 years that they've been married. And so before

[00:36:14] I had to think her for the job that they did and raising me because of this ability,

[00:36:20] I feel like that allowed me to really be me and explore the things that I wanted to do or what I

[00:36:26] didn't want to do. And I think all of that is so important right? I didn't have to work until I was an adult.

[00:36:33] And so I think, you know, having that ability it really allowed me to, I think flourish.

[00:36:40] Right? So I had to think her for that for that stability. I think people sometimes underestimate

[00:36:46] what that does for a child. But when a child has to worry about pain bills, right?

[00:36:52] You know, and I get it right, things happen. Sometimes that is that is, you know, the situation.

[00:36:57] Right. And you know, you do what you have to do at that point. But to the extent it is an option,

[00:37:02] I absolutely believe in providing this ability for your child so that they can go and explore and learn

[00:37:08] themselves, right? Let them go and bump their heads and know that they have a safety net to come out.

[00:37:13] Right. That was just important. That was one of the things I told our daughter, you know, like

[00:37:19] when you look at, I say, your situation and your friend situation is different, you know,

[00:37:24] because her parents just see it, you're on your own. Whereas we're telling you hey,

[00:37:29] you know, crawl before you walk. Right. And yeah, it the independence books great. Yeah, all that,

[00:37:37] but the trust me baby. Trust me. I really, I go to that child who's in the room.

[00:37:43] I have my two, $300 a month and be like, okay. I'm not student. It's all the time. I love the switchplaces

[00:37:50] with them. To not have a bill come with my name on it. What are you want me to do? Is school work

[00:37:58] successfully? I was like, I'd make up a whole new grade scale. I got a five point of grade.

[00:38:06] I'm taking extra classes. I'm graduating and coming back and graduating again.

[00:38:10] But that type of support is necessary. And I'm thankful that we recognized that with our own kids.

[00:38:21] Now, our son, that wasn't good enough for him. So he stepped out there. But he's learned

[00:38:26] and now he should have listened. And she's determined. She's 22 now. And she's determined.

[00:38:32] She's moving out by the summer. She's working towards it. She's saving. So, I mean, I'm proud

[00:38:38] of her. But at the same time, she knows that this is her move and how to move that she's being made.

[00:38:44] It's a thing I told her too. I see it. Half of them people lying to you.

[00:38:50] We probably got the moment of finding some painting, painting, painting, painting, and sharing.

[00:38:55] So, I said, you're not fully grown into your painting. Everything that takes us to stay by yourself

[00:39:03] that's when you're told to depend. I said, that's some of them got parents,

[00:39:07] paying card notes. Probably got no name, paying other insurance every month. You know, saying like,

[00:39:12] yes, don't believe that the height. So one more thing before we get into less discussed it,

[00:39:20] we've talked about emotional intelligence and communication and conflict resolution.

[00:39:25] How do all of those things come together? One of the things from our first meeting

[00:39:31] great and from some of the information was about deepening your connection as a couple.

[00:39:36] How do all of those things come into play to help a couple strengthen that bond? Absolutely.

[00:39:43] So I think the things that help in a relationship, right? There needs to be intimacy.

[00:39:50] And when I say intimacy, I don't just me sex, right? I mean, the ability to be vulnerable,

[00:39:55] the ability to let this person really see who you are, right? To share your internal thoughts,

[00:40:00] to share your dreams and your visions, and know that it's a safe space and that you are going

[00:40:04] to be supported. That's not easy to find, right? There are some times we feel like we have to

[00:40:12] put on a meds or, you know, they are not going to understand who we are and what we're trying to do.

[00:40:18] And so I think to have that intimacy is like the number one goal for our relationship to be healthy.

[00:40:25] One of the ways that you can have that intimacy is to really see your person, right?

[00:40:30] See your partner, not just who you want them to be, not this vision in your head of what you

[00:40:36] have your relationship to be, right? Really see the person in front of you.

[00:40:41] Not trying to change them, not trying to make them into what you want to be, right? See

[00:40:48] see who's in front of you. When I am working with women that are not in relationships,

[00:40:53] I tell them the same thing, right? Make sure you take the time to learn this person and then you

[00:40:58] decide whether or not this person deserves to be in your life. Right? So not about changing somebody.

[00:41:02] This is not the feeling of fantasy in your head, right? You see who's in front of you, right? And

[00:41:09] so I think once you see who is in front of you, find ways to help them grow. What can you do? How

[00:41:18] do you add value to their life? Right? And again, this is both ways. How do they also add value

[00:41:22] to your life? Right? I think you have to stay in good spirits with each other. You're not going

[00:41:28] always like each other, but to always make the best for each other, I think that it's going to be

[00:41:34] important, right? Because you're not always going to like each other. You're not always going to get

[00:41:38] along with each other. But to know that I really truly care about this person, I want to see them

[00:41:44] succeed. I want to see them when I think it makes the heart days manageable. Right? I'm that

[00:41:51] think other than that, right? Communication and conflict resolution is going to be a big thing.

[00:41:58] Confluent, right? Money problems and communication are like the biggest issues in a relationship.

[00:42:06] Right? And so when it comes to communication, you gotta make sure that it's the safe space

[00:42:11] emotionally for both people. Right? Ignalage how your partner is feeling.

[00:42:16] Validate with their feeling. Ask them what they need. People like how do I,

[00:42:21] how do I know what you need? Ask them. Ask her, would you need me this moment? Right?

[00:42:26] I need a pub, do you need the vent? Do you need me? Like, what is it that you need?

[00:42:30] Recognize the differences. You're not going to be exactly alike. Right? You may need time to process

[00:42:37] when this person wants to talk right away. How do you guys work through that? Right? You may

[00:42:44] raise your voice when you talk, but that may be a trigger for your partner.

[00:42:48] What I do about this, right? So it is okay to be different. It is okay to have different

[00:42:53] communications styles. It's okay to handle conflict differently. But we gotta work together to get through

[00:42:59] this, right? We have to make sure that we are a team. Right? And a lot of times I have people kind of

[00:43:06] say, oh, he did this. She did that and it all, a lot of people like the point to thinker.

[00:43:11] But you know, I am big on the South Korean and it's an accountability. Right? 90% of the time,

[00:43:18] the person pointing the finger also has something to contribute or has contributed to this issue.

[00:43:22] Absolutely. And so we have to be honest about that, right? And so when I'm working with people,

[00:43:28] the first thing that I do is I let them go ahead and do a dump on me. Tell me exactly what you

[00:43:34] feel like it's going on. Why all of that? Because then we need to get to the road issue,

[00:43:39] because a lot of times it's not what you think it is. Right? And once we are able to identify

[00:43:44] what exactly the problem is, why do you feel I'm seeing? Why do you feel on her body feel

[00:43:51] like you're walking on a show that you're partying, right? Once we are able to get to the

[00:43:56] route of those things, right? Then come to the accountability. What part have you played in this?

[00:44:00] What part have they played into this? Right? Are these issues that we can move past? Because I

[00:44:06] tell people, I don't think that everything is solvable. Right? Right. Right.

[00:44:10] Which if you wait until after marriage and realize that your partner doesn't want kids,

[00:44:14] then you do, is that something that can be solved? All right. But to the extent, it is more of a

[00:44:20] matter of being this understood, more of a matter of we don't know how to communicate with each other.

[00:44:25] Those are things that we can work through. Right? There's a difference between knowing how to

[00:44:30] communicate and what we are communicating. Right? And it's the how that people usually have a problem

[00:44:36] with. Right? I'll give you the link. I have a list of communication mistakes that couples

[00:44:41] make, how to fix them. So I'll give you guys the link to that. But it says things like,

[00:44:46] bringing up more than one issue at a time. Right? If I say, you did X, Y and Z,

[00:44:52] and you talk about something else, we're never going to get to the route of anything or solve anything.

[00:44:57] If we just keep bringing up, you know, something else and something else. Right? You should also

[00:45:03] use eye statements. Right? You is a accusatory. Somebody's going to get defensive. Mm-hmm.

[00:45:09] Right? You have to say, I felt like focus on the emotion. Not what they did because they're

[00:45:13] going to try to justify their emotion. I mean, their action and the action may not be the problem.

[00:45:19] They may absolutely meant the action, the issue with how it made you feel. Right, right?

[00:45:24] So there are, this, I have a whole list. So I'll make sure I share that with you guys so that you can,

[00:45:28] you know, put it out there for other people in case they need it. But just no, conflict isn't

[00:45:33] available. Right? There's nothing that you can do to prevent all conflict, right? Like I said earlier,

[00:45:39] it's how you deal with it that matters. And that's when you just have to have a good game plan.

[00:45:43] Right? And so that's what I hope people do create a communication or a conflict resolution

[00:45:47] game plan. And so where you recognize your communication style and your partner's communication style,

[00:45:54] how they differ and things you guys need to work through together. Right? You got to have a plan

[00:46:01] of how to handle conflict before you can actually start tackling the issues because those are two

[00:46:05] different things and they get completed a lot of times. And so you can't ever resolve any issues

[00:46:11] because, you know, know how to fight. Exactly. And one of the things that, you know,

[00:46:17] or and I have come to the conclusion of in our years is that you have to like your partner.

[00:46:25] People focus on love and love is great. But you have to like your partner. You know,

[00:46:31] love your mother. You love your father. You love and aunt Uncle Cousin. But you don't want to

[00:46:38] spend 24 hours a day with a muscle. You know, in the sense. So, you know, that's where

[00:46:45] one of the strengths that we try to focus on like any other thing. And you're like if you learn

[00:46:51] to like your partner, a lot of those issues will be easier to resolve. There it is. Like

[00:46:59] say your emotional maturity that's going to determine that also. Yeah. Yep. I guess this would be my

[00:47:05] last comment. I think the one thing, all of the components of emotional intelligence,

[00:47:10] they're all important right? The self awareness, the self management, the empathy and the

[00:47:14] relationship management. But if I had to pick one thing, pick one that I think would immediately change

[00:47:22] a lot of relationships and make them healthier, it will be empathy. Yes. Right. You know, we have

[00:47:29] a tendency to operate from a self-centered perspective. And that's human nature. This need,

[00:47:34] this natural. We are concerned about what we want and what we need. And we don't always think

[00:47:40] about the other person. Right. Right. We think we are, but we're not. And being emotionally intelligent,

[00:47:47] it is difficult sometimes to say, we both feel how we feel because you know, how you feel

[00:47:52] right. But for you to take a moment and say, okay, man, but we need to prioritize how he's feeling

[00:47:57] and work through their first. And then we can come back to how I'm feeling that takes another

[00:48:01] level of emotional intelligence or you, you may not agree, but you still got to acknowledge what

[00:48:07] the person is feeling and figure out really what's the problem and how do we work through this?

[00:48:11] And while you are still holding onto your emotions and kind of putting them on a shelf just

[00:48:16] for a second, because you got to work through one issue at a time. And that is definitely

[00:48:20] difficult. Right. Right. All right. We're going to wrap this up if this earned and have anything

[00:48:26] else to share with us and we're going to jump onto our next, let's discuss it topic. And so

[00:48:33] here go. Baby, we need to talk. Huh? Now let's discuss it.

[00:48:56] So far, let's discuss it segment. Another passion project, term business, maybe,

[00:49:02] that you spoke to us about we want to hear more about that. And I have it in my notes as a

[00:49:09] wine education business, but I'm going to let you tell us about that and your journey into that

[00:49:15] project. Absolutely. So it is a wine education business. I am one of, I have two business partners.

[00:49:20] The company is called New Orleans Valley. And we started New Orleans Valley after we realized that

[00:49:26] we would go to Vingers and not a lot of people look like us. Right. And when we were asked

[00:49:32] people like, hey, why don't you drink more wine or why don't I mean, you know, why don't you go to

[00:49:36] Vingers? They like, well, I don't know what to drink or I don't know anything about it or there's this

[00:49:40] idea that wine is for a certain social place. And it's not true. And so we started New Orleans Valley

[00:49:46] to help people that look like us really learn more about wine, right, to help people expand their

[00:49:52] palettes. A lot of people start off with sweet wine. Wine goes so much deeper than just sweet wine.

[00:49:58] There's a whole world outside and past sweet wine. And so we try to help people expand their

[00:50:04] palettes so that they can find their new favorite wine, there will go to a wine or restaurant

[00:50:10] and order their new gun to a glass of wine like an expert. Okay. So yes, it's definitely a passion

[00:50:17] for, I mean a hobby, turned business. But yes. So with the with noir valley, do clients come to

[00:50:28] you all and you have classes or workshops or do you hold like workshops at Vingers? How does that work?

[00:50:36] Yep. So there are a few things that we do. We do host tastings. We do offer wine tours. We are

[00:50:44] based out of DC. So most of our wine tours we go down to Virginia wine country. And so and then we also

[00:50:51] have wine solstice where it's just come together and try new wines. So our last one we did a

[00:50:56] gallon of time stay tasting. Okay. It's a group of women down to a vingered in Virginia. They were

[00:51:02] able to participate in a guided tasting and then we just sat and had a girl talk. All right, we talked

[00:51:07] about you know just different topics or whatever. But people can also hire us for private event.

[00:51:12] So we can come to you and do a tasting. We can do we've done like tours for birthday parties.

[00:51:18] So it's a combination of things. Some we do provide but we are available to you know to

[00:51:24] curate more of a private experience for people. One thing that we are looking to get more into is

[00:51:30] more of corporate tastings. Okay. All three of us have a certain expertise right with me in the

[00:51:37] emotional intelligence and relationships. Another one she's also an attorney. She does financial

[00:51:43] planning like estate planning and then the third one she is a doctor's psychology so she's a

[00:51:48] therapist. Okay. So we would like to get into the space of doing corporate trainings where the wine

[00:51:55] is what brings us together but we are also offering training than emotional intelligence and cultural

[00:51:59] sensitivity. I think like that. Also, that's awesome and the wine element literally like brings

[00:52:08] all that stuff to us. Yes. That is so neat. So any interesting stories first of all when you said

[00:52:18] vineyards in Virginia that blew my mind. So are there like I know California's famous for vineyards

[00:52:29] we actually visited a vineyard in north Georgia but are there other areas in the states that have

[00:52:38] like vineyards to where people can go and absolutely. So there's tons so like you said in

[00:52:43] California there's an ambulance and all the other big ones. And then your is called the Finger Lakes

[00:52:48] region? Really. Mm-hmm. Um in Oregon we'll land it. Is a big wine area? Mm-hmm.

[00:52:59] I'm trying to think of the other big Virginia apps that look like they're over 300 fingers and

[00:53:04] what are you doing? Well I know from a motorcycleist and riding in the mountain area tends to be

[00:53:15] a lot of vineyards I'll see them on the side of the road. You know we go into north Georgia and we've

[00:53:21] been to Tennessee and there are a lot of vineyards and like to got them burg and pigeon for a

[00:53:27] gerious. So I'm not just assumed that where you have mountains you have in your stupid.

[00:53:34] No time's not all the time so the mountain so I actually would just sit here studying before

[00:53:39] I got my book open so the mountain is going to change the soil which will change the

[00:53:44] grapes that you have so not all grapes are grown like near mountains there are some that are

[00:53:51] grown in warmer climates right the mountains are going to block the sun so they won't get as much

[00:53:56] so all of this changes the taste of the grapes or the types of grapes that can even be

[00:54:01] grown because all grapes can't be grown everywhere. So there are certain climates that are better

[00:54:06] for certain grapes and so not always near mountains but that is one like noticeable characteristics

[00:54:13] that will change the wine that you get. Well that's neat. All right so let me just try this. I saw

[00:54:20] that my local croaker. Okay. Well down there one now. Now I can dig fresh it on your face.

[00:54:28] We're just doing this way to who it about to come out. I don't know what to hell I'm looking at.

[00:54:35] I see the brands I see the different ones, the different brands have all pretty much the same style.

[00:54:42] So you know from white to sweet to you know your reesling your yeah can you explain some of that

[00:54:53] what's like yes but what average person. There's average person.

[00:54:57] Absolutely. But most of the get into it. What's one you recommend trying and I heard that

[00:55:05] some of them bring health benefits. Share some of the share with you. Yeah absolutely so first I

[00:55:11] will say the best way to learn about wine is just to drink wine. Try it people like how to do

[00:55:16] going about it. I drink wine like that's the best way to learn. But in terms of like the basics right

[00:55:22] you have red wine you have white wine and you have rosé so rosé is the pink you know red wine

[00:55:27] you have white wine. That's usually where people start. So if you were to go into let's say a wine shop

[00:55:33] and you said I need about a wine probably the first question they're going to ask you was red or white.

[00:55:38] So you got to know that and then they're going to ask you dry or sweet. So sweet wine obviously has

[00:55:45] more sugar in it dry wine is going to have like little to know sugar in it. And so those are

[00:55:52] like the big the virus where people are going to start you this going to be sweet or dry

[00:55:58] red or white or some time ago saying. And so I think a lot of people started sweet but if you

[00:56:05] are looking to transition more into the dryer wines I would say to start with a recently because

[00:56:12] recently goes from like the whole scale so recently can be you know off-drive medium dry sweet all

[00:56:20] that. So recent is a good one to kind of scale you on down to the dryer side which I feel like

[00:56:27] is the better side. So yeah you just have to try try stuff. Now I will say I made a phase when you

[00:56:35] said Croger because they might not have the best quality. And so I would never tell anybody to

[00:56:43] go and try sort of home or barefoot to really understand what that wine is supposed to be like.

[00:56:49] So obviously at least the total wine you know fine wine and spirit something that's going to have

[00:56:56] more of a variety and there's so many different types of grapes and you just have to start trying

[00:57:01] to see what you like and just drink more of that. So you're saying that the dryer wines are

[00:57:09] better is that we're health benefits or is that just better taste or is it better? It's just a preference.

[00:57:16] Yes I was going to say better is my preference. Yeah so red wine does have health benefits

[00:57:23] but I mean I drink both but they just say red wine has you know health benefits for you but

[00:57:30] is really a good wine is a wine that you enjoy. So even if you are a sweet wine drinker right

[00:57:38] don't let any of us wine stops right ridicule you for liking your sweet wine.

[00:57:43] So what you're telling me is I'm shirting myself by a $5.00 by the wine that

[00:57:51] is so good. Yeah so here's the other thing right why are you getting it? Are you getting

[00:57:59] just because you want something to drink you thirsty? Cool those wines are not going to have a lot

[00:58:06] of character to them and so right you see people talking about like how to taste wine so they

[00:58:13] hold like the five essence so you know when you see them looking in the glass or swirl in the glass

[00:58:18] and smelling it. Those cheaper wines are not going to be able to really give you much wine is an

[00:58:25] experience and so the swirling of the glass so that it gets oxygen and you can actually smell

[00:58:32] the aromas that are in it right and you compare that to the aromas the flavors that you taste

[00:58:37] right is a whole thing, a whole experience when you are in that space right it's not just like oh

[00:58:43] let me just down this like it's not a shot right I'm not just gonna take a shot of wine

[00:58:47] I'm just an experience to really appreciate I think what the wine maker does the effort and

[00:58:54] energy that goes into making a bottle of wine so yeah it's more of an experience than just a

[00:59:01] old let me turn out let me I'm not going to drink wine if I want to turn it like this not.

[00:59:06] Yeah so I got you. And I think the first bottle I had was during the pandemic shut down

[00:59:13] you stain the blue sparkling wine. Belir. It's it's I don't know what the brand is literally

[00:59:23] the wine is blue and it's probably like a white wine because it's it's drier

[00:59:31] but things like that are those like laughed apart obviously because you're like looking at me

[00:59:37] like blue wine. So you're probably talking about Belir let me see him in this one.

[00:59:52] I don't think that was it. Oh wow no yeah the color of the wine is blue but it was a dry wine

[01:00:00] so I'm guessing like things like that are more novelty than serious wine.

[01:00:06] So yeah the only blue I'm not a huge fan of I mean I'm not very familiar I don't know

[01:00:13] whether the blue wine it could have been other than Belir which is a sparkle on wine.

[01:00:19] What about the the box wines are those like I've seen on TV and stuff people get the box

[01:00:28] wine and that's what they're like going for a while is that like yeah I would never

[01:00:33] bought a box wine so I can't really tell you what it's like it's not something that I was like oh

[01:00:39] the feel get a box wine. Yeah yeah like we would drink we drunk box wine and like college but even then

[01:00:46] I still never was the one to purchase it. Right. Can you see that? And Sarah Seney S-A-R-A-C-E-N-I.

[01:01:00] I see it. Oh I have never heard of this let me see what it is it's a spark in the wine

[01:01:07] it's probably for novelty I'm guessing.

[01:01:16] Clean blue sparkle and wine. This is actually made from the same grapes that is used to make

[01:01:25] Prosecco. Okay which is interesting and so it would lead me to the largest Italian.

[01:01:34] So actually a sweet wine it says on here okay ABV so yeah so here's another tip so the ABV

[01:01:42] alcohol by volume which tells you how much alcohol is in it the less alcohol the sweeter is going to be.

[01:01:47] Okay so the sweeter the less alcohol so it's like at that point where are you drinking it in my

[01:01:53] pain. So the drier the more alcohol. Okay so yeah this is actually a tallyin with that grape

[01:02:03] yeah I have not heard of this. It popped up on social media like I said it was during the pandemic

[01:02:09] so what else do my have to do other than order wine and taste it? Did you like it? It was okay

[01:02:17] it wasn't sweet enough for me. Oh yeah and it says it's the sweet wine. Yes. Yes. Oh you just like sugar

[01:02:24] I basically try basically so have you heard of the fried sister still? I have heard of Ben.

[01:02:33] I've saw I was listen to a podcast maybe I'm on there and actually order anything from them but I've

[01:02:40] actually seen some of this stuff in some of our local liquor stores. Yeah so they have two lines

[01:02:46] so they have the McBride collection and they also have black girls wine. Yeah yeah black. Yeah

[01:02:52] well this has been interesting I'm gonna have to um see if I can expand my wine palette so that

[01:02:58] will be you again. So let me ask you this right with y'all that fried of on my croaker one

[01:03:05] yeah and I'm a little heard about myself so you know now if I'm going to God find some one

[01:03:14] from a you know if some people might think they get more value for you know like I spend $100

[01:03:21] on getting this exit by the wind if I spend $20 I'm not getting anything. What do you tell the

[01:03:28] person like that? So the price point doesn't necessarily indicate the quality of the wine.

[01:03:35] Right I'm always going to tell you that a good wine is one that you're enjoying.

[01:03:40] Okay so that is that is always going to be what I tell you if you enjoy it it's a good wine

[01:03:45] whether it's $50 or $20 or $100 right for an example me I do not prefer champagne

[01:03:53] I'm always going to pick for a circle over champagne. It's just not if it's up to me it's just

[01:03:58] not going to be in my glass right but champagne can be on a hiring you're going to spend at least

[01:04:04] 75 $AV 100 on about a champagne I've had an expensive champagne and I'm like this isn't it for me

[01:04:11] right so it's not necessarily about the price point um it is about you know you will start to

[01:04:18] learn the grapes that you like and so I don't prefer the grapes that are used to make champagne

[01:04:25] right on which is why it's just not going to be something that I buy like you're probably never

[01:04:30] fine about a champagne in my house unless somebody brings it. I don't. It's here for champagne you

[01:04:35] just yeah I don't like the bubbles I'm not that I'm so sorry. So what am I business

[01:04:44] business partners like that and so let me clarify when I say champagne I mean like actual champagne

[01:04:48] so all sparkling wine is not champagne right and I know people they see bubbles in a

[01:04:54] color champagne is not in order for me to be champagne it has to come from champagne friends

[01:04:58] right has to come from champagne friends there are certain grapes that they have to use

[01:05:02] they you sure that you know the warmth you know my yeah and it's a certain way that it's me

[01:05:07] okay alright that's the only way that it is called champagne anything else is a sparkling wine

[01:05:13] so per se go is another sparkling wine but that is from Italy it has to come from Italy it

[01:05:17] has to use the glier a grape. Cova is from Spain a Cova and champagne are made similarly just

[01:05:25] cova is made in Spain champagne is made in champagne friends anything else is just going to be a

[01:05:30] sparkling wine okay oh yeah just going to be a sparkling wine like you're not giving a $20

[01:05:36] dollar by with a champagne like this is not going to happen it's a sparkling wine right and so when I say

[01:05:41] I don't prefer champagne I mean like the actual champagne that you want to pay a $100 for a

[01:05:46] bottle I don't prefer it and so the price point is not right somebody else I have a friend

[01:05:52] me and go back and forth all the time about which bubbles are better I mean we actually did

[01:05:57] like a battle with the bubbles where I bought my first press that go keep roll his champagne

[01:06:01] and I liked one of his out of three and I'm sure they were more expensive to expand our wine palette

[01:06:08] what do we do just taste test yeah taste it um think about flavors that you like and food

[01:06:17] and just going to store and start trying stuff all right I like that so I can go to

[01:06:22] program start you can go to program started right if you want now just just know that it may not be

[01:06:31] you know amazing representation of that great but you will start to see grapes that you enjoy and

[01:06:41] then just start trying other ones there is a new wine shop in DC that I got a chance to go to

[01:06:47] and I really think that it is interesting the way that their shop is set up usually when you go to a

[01:06:53] wine shop you see regions like where the grape is from or is named by the grape but the way that

[01:07:01] theirs is a number system and so it goes from one to ten one being lighter wines 10 being bolder

[01:07:07] wines and so once you know a wine that you like and you find it within their number system let's say

[01:07:15] it's going to you like like sweet wines probably want to be a one everything in that one should

[01:07:21] be similar to that that you can try okay it'll be different grapes and all of that so I thought

[01:07:26] that was a really interesting they have a store in Boston they just open one of these seats

[01:07:30] and so I think that that was you know really interesting but I think the way that you just have to go

[01:07:34] and try stuff um try and go to restaurants and try different things you know every time that you

[01:07:40] are there just try something else um when I go to a wine shop I pick out what I know that I came for

[01:07:47] but then I also let one of the people that work at the store pick out one for me okay and that's

[01:07:53] I always you know I let somebody else pick one so that's how you know I learned if I like it or if I don't

[01:07:58] all right that's a homework assignment that I can get with yeah yeah yeah yeah I think uh you

[01:08:05] know of course in our community we tend to gravitate towards the was popular and you know like

[01:08:14] at one point in time I'm aging myself but a crystal was like one of the premier

[01:08:23] pains wise I don't even know what it is I'm not tasted at one time and that it was disgusting to me

[01:08:29] you know and even some of the other um I said rem it rem it rem it Martin you know that was

[01:08:35] popular when in the early nineties and I was like as discuss it like but where are we drinking here

[01:08:41] so I mean as far as people who are brand conscious you know love to worry about brands so you're saying

[01:08:48] it you know don't worry about the brands just try something and see what you like you know and go from

[01:08:55] that yeah so those brands that's the matter of marketing and the amount of money you put behind it

[01:09:01] right nothing to do with the quality of wine um I went to Italy in August for my birthday and I went

[01:09:08] to the region where they make per seco and so I asked them about the market markets like blue label

[01:09:14] that everybody drinks they were so offended they were so some had even heard of it some were so

[01:09:24] offended that I asked about the market um one told me that's like the McDonald's of per seco

[01:09:29] well right um but that is the big thing in the United States when you hear per seco they want to have

[01:09:36] the market and it's just about the dollar amount the marketing um and actually with those types of things

[01:09:45] the quality is likely not going to be as good because it's actually expensive to get your wine here

[01:09:51] and so if you can afford to get it here right you probably are math producing right which just

[01:09:56] decreases the quality and the price for you all right and so by the time it gets here it's right

[01:10:03] is not a great representation of that wine that started wine right and so these brands that we see

[01:10:12] a lot of rates a lot have to do with the marketing right a lot of the celebrity wines are white labeled

[01:10:20] me and they just buy the wine from somebody else in a partner with that bingert they partner with

[01:10:25] that company so that they can become this big brand and popular not usually great like celebrity wines

[01:10:33] and the wine can actually have like a stigma associated with making yeah it wouldn't be like a

[01:10:38] name drop if I tell you I had some snoops water that would

[01:10:45] look all face right you

[01:10:49] that joke at all I have it so

[01:10:54] I mean again if you like it you like it but you wouldn't have it in my house

[01:10:58] but you know to be honest with you I'm like you know anything that people a lot of people

[01:11:03] are drawn to especially people from the hood and how to improve it like it's hard like

[01:11:10] as far as like to keep everybody's own customers I like customers give them wrong that's good

[01:11:15] I don't think it's like it's almost like what they do to everything they do to just

[01:11:22] so like I don't even want to pair jeans in the book and they they make it a cultural thing right

[01:11:28] so they put a lot of money behind behind that because right you have to think the company is

[01:11:33] in business to make money right how do we make our cultural thing or like people are lit they

[01:11:40] we drive a lot of things so we can get the rights celebrity to endorse it or to

[01:11:45] ever times into market it you know all and you know 90% of us going by just because they drink it right you

[01:11:52] know just wait there wait so yeah so it's not necessarily about the quality at that point

[01:11:58] is they just want to make the money I'm that person there even though everybody's going through

[01:12:05] the front door I want to go to the side door you would was really going on like that's why

[01:12:11] people like you that are incorporating that type of business to say okay what do you recommend

[01:12:18] because I want to do you recommend because this is when I tried it crystal I was like

[01:12:25] that's what this is right yeah I want to throw it when I see the bottom

[01:12:34] yeah you just got it you know those are the cultural things there those brands are just been a lot

[01:12:39] of money to make money so you have to just figure out what it is that you like and try more of that

[01:12:47] so that you are you know and so here's the other thing right you try these brands so I know

[01:12:53] people that don't like Percico but they've only ever had Lamarca right right and it all was

[01:13:00] the lever I know what we had what I had over there was so amazing and we can't get it here like

[01:13:06] I just ordered like wine from back from Italy because we don't have it here right so if you want

[01:13:13] to drink again I'm not not going to invite for anything that they drink but in terms of learning

[01:13:17] more about wine to really get the good representation of that style of wine right you're going

[01:13:23] to have to find something that is a little bit better quality and usually the things that are

[01:13:27] matched produced are not going to be of quality or the best representation. So you're saying we need to

[01:13:33] be because like where we're ordered not a lot of the years in our area a lot of times we have

[01:13:38] to that's why I brought up a curve because we had to go to the grocery store the liquor store

[01:13:44] to get any type of wine and it's like when I walk into liquor store they have this entire section

[01:13:49] I'm just like yeah so I tip with a go for what I think that I know but I'm just trying to

[01:13:57] just try stuff there are a lot of wine clubs right if you if they aren't any

[01:14:04] other wine shops in your area which they're maybe and you just don't know. Right so like I would

[01:14:11] look for a boutique wine shop like a small where there's one and it's not that big right that is where

[01:14:18] I would recommend people to start but if not there are places that you go buy wine online

[01:14:24] like wine.com is a good one and they actually have people there that will make recommendations for

[01:14:30] you. I dare to you know the little chat box at the bottom um they will actually help me pick out wine

[01:14:35] so there are definitely ways to you know still get wine a lot of vanguards and all of that they

[01:14:41] have wine subscriptions there are like there's naked wine and there's like some of them are not that

[01:14:48] expensive um they send you wine every month right so they're definitely ways so that you

[01:14:55] aren't subject it only to grocery store wine. We're gonna look into that so we can start with

[01:15:01] me and our wine's hell that's that means what you get we shall we shall we shall. All right well

[01:15:10] if any of our listeners want to learn more about you either from the coaching aspect or your wine

[01:15:16] aspect how can they find you online? Absolutely so I am always open to working with both women and

[01:15:25] couples right I prefer to work with both because you both need to be in board like if one person is

[01:15:29] doing a work is I'm gonna I will but my preference is to work with couples right and so if you

[01:15:34] feel like there are some issues that you guys can't quite picture vanguards. Maybe things just aren't

[01:15:40] the same you want connecting the way that you used to. Maybe there's a new season in your life right

[01:15:44] there's a new baby there's a new job right things change in a relationship. You're not going to be the

[01:15:49] same person you were when you got together. So if you feel like you need help really identify and

[01:15:54] what those issues are and coming up with the plants and we've passed it even if you don't have any

[01:16:00] issue that the moment right if you know that communication is not the strong suit for either of you

[01:16:06] right and you have different communication styles and you want help understand each other or learn

[01:16:12] how to communicate in a way that you're part and understand you you know I'm here to help

[01:16:16] and so you can absolutely find me on all social media platforms it's just my name is Erin F.

[01:16:21] Dorton so ER I in F at the bank DAR DE and Simea message you can also Simea email at info

[01:16:31] at yarnfdorton.com and I am you know here I want to help like I said I really feel like this is

[01:16:37] an apprentice at the moment I have taken those skills from being a lawyer and just applied to

[01:16:42] the you know this personal setting where I'm still asking the right questions to help you

[01:16:47] you know get to the things that you may be not aware of or you might be trying to hide right

[01:16:53] you can't hide with me I asked a difficult question I'm here if you don't like me all of

[01:16:57] that we want to get to the bottom of it right so that is what I am here for and I just said conflict

[01:17:03] inevitable in a relationship is just how you did it with that matter all right so you like a little

[01:17:09] prosecuting like I mean I don't ask aggressively but I asked right question let's say that way

[01:17:19] well thank you so much again for being a guest and joining us and sharing your knowledge

[01:17:25] thank you for enlightening us on our wine journey we need to grow up and expand

[01:17:33] palette and we have really enjoyed speaking with you today thank you so much for having me any time

[01:17:40] if there's anything else I can do to help your community let me know thank you where appreciate that

[01:17:50] thanks for joining us on this episode of Beyond I Do Park is

[01:17:54] please make sure to like this episode and also subscribe to our podcast

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[01:18:06] and until next time we will have a good show